Some people need to get kicked in the teeth 3

Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies need to get kicked in the teeth.

Asshole drivers who tail gate need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who send forwards without bothering to delete thousands of accumulated ">"s, other email addresses, headers and commentary from all the other forwarders need to get kicked in the teeth.

Middle aged men with outfits you're only supposed to see at assassins conventions need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who chew with their mouths open need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who give fruitcake as gifts need to get kicked in the teeth. Get a job and buy me a real present cheapskate.

People who pronounce "film" with 2 syllables need to get kicked in the teeth.

That small line of dirt that wont go in the dust pan when you're sweeping needs to get kicked in the teeth.

Waiters/waitresses who ask if you want to hear the specials and proceed to belt out 20 items without noticing that you've lost interest after the third item need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who stare me down in horror (like they just found a body in my trunk) when I don't recycle a few cans need to get kicked in the teeth. I didnt ruin the environment - my parents did. Go judge them and leave me in peace.

Companies who don't list their prices on their websites need to get kicked in the teeth.

Middle aged Quebecois dudes with hairstyles you're only supposed to see at orgies need to get kicked in the teeth. This includes balding men with pony tails, mullets, perms, etc.

People who "shush" other people need to get kicked in the teeth. Don't tell me to shush - you shush fuckface.

People who draw cartoon characters having sex need to get kicked in the teeth. I don't need to see bart simpson sticking it to marge while homer jacks off in the corner.

People who ask "hot enough for you?" need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who push religion door to door need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who ask "are you cold" when you wear your jacket inside need to get kicked in the teeth.

My drivers license photo needs to get kicked in the teeth.

Silent farters need to get kicked in the teeth. You and I are the only people in the room and I know I didn't pass gas yet you still try and look at me like I'm the guilty party. Go fuck yourself.

People who think I give a shit about their pin numbers need to get kicked in the teeth. Why are you going through so much trouble doing that hand shield thing? I dont give a fuck about your shit pin number. I have enough trouble trying to remember my own...

Sales people who leech onto you following you around a store asking if they can help with anything need to get kicked in the teeth. I'm a big boy if I need help I'll find you.

Morning people need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who have no sense of humor need to get kicked in the teeth.

Frank Breaker

Breaker's Greetings

Frank Breaker

Some people need to get kicked in the teeth 2

Here's today's list of douchebags who could catch a foot

People who treat dogs like their children need to get kicked in the teeth. They are not children! They are freeloading roommates.

People who don’t understand that I am allergic to cats need to get kicked in the teeth. Just because you vacuumed and put the bastard in another room doesn’t mean Im not going to get a nose bleed and sneeze all kinds.

People who, even if you stabbed them in the chest, still wouldn’t get the hint that you don’t like them need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who say “the book is better than the movie” after you just announced you watched the movie need to get kicked in the teeth. If I wanted to read the book I would have jackass.

Gym teachers need to get kicked in the teeth. Get a real job.

People who call your land line and ask you where you are need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who mindlessly forward every single email they find funny need to get kicked in the teeth.

Twilight nerds need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who send application invites to whatever shit app is popular any given month on facebook need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who don’t know the difference between there, their, and they’re need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who assume that a person is more intelligent simply because he/she can speak more than 1 language need to get kicked in the teeth. Example: If an fool speaks 4 languages it just means that more people can understand that he/she is a fool.

People who blast me with religion need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who call and say “hi who’s this?” need to get kicked in the teeth. You know who it is shitpuddle! YOU called ME.

Parents who ignore their children while out in public need to get kicked in the teeth.

Bisexuals need to get kicked in the teeth. Stick to one sex! 2 sexes is just plain greedy.

People who get pissy because I don’t believe in organized religion  need to get kicked in the teeth.

Avacados need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who ask you if the bus has come while you’re waiting for that very same bus need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who let the phone ring twice before answering need to get kicked in the teeth.

Frank Breaker

I Believe (More of Frank's thoughts)

I Believe: That scientology is the mix of science and gynecology.

I Believe: A pogo/corn dog is a trailer park lollipop.

I Believe: Hemorrhoids should be called assteroids.
I Believe: A young chick who dates a rich old dude is not a gold digger. She's a grave digger.

I Believe: If a person with multiple personalities kills himself it constitutes a murder suicide.

I Believe: Visa should pay at least half of my bill seeing as though BOTH of our names are on the credit card.

I Believe: People who's feet look like tree branches should steer clear of flip flops and sandals.

I Believe: If a deaf child swears his mother should wash his hands with soap.

I Believe: The only reason the word "lisp" has an "s" in it to fuck with people who have lisps.

I Believe: The virgin mary's story is a lie about an affair that got seriously out of hand.

I Believe: You can get raped in monopoly jail.

I Believe: If you're on your period it doesn't mean there can't be any "action" in the bedroom - they don't close the entire amusement park just because the roller coaster isn't working.

I Believe: Bald people aren't really losing hair - they're gaining more face.

I Believe: Vegetarians shouldn't eat animal crackers.

I Believe: On black friday white people should give their black friends gifts.

I Believe: Mermaids have their own payscales.

I Believe: The first ninja was just a dude who walked into a spiderweb.

I Believe: Facebook shouldn't have allow you to press "like" on your own status. Of course I like my own fucking status.

Frank Breaker

Lowering Taxes

Frank Breaker

Stimulus Package

Frank Breaker

Ramen Noodles

We have all tasted ramen noodles at some point in our lives. They suck ass. I mean I completely understand resorting to eating them if you're one of the less fortunate members of society - What I can't understand are people who are more well off (i.e my sister) that still swear by that unholy shit. I've watched her crack open packages prepare them and enjoy them almost like they tasted like t-bone steak rather than salty feet. Personally every time I ate them in university I felt like my life force was slowly being siphoned off...

Isn't the word "ramen" japanese for "defeated"? And why do they bother to mark the different flavors on the packages? There's no chicken in there you fuckface! It's salty dirt!! Its just bricks of noodles and packages of different colored salty dirt.

*EDIT: The sodium content alone is enough to kill a goddamn whale.

I came across this recipe while researching the subject on the internets.

Turn your cheap ramen noodles into a feast! Try grilled steak with ramen

Ingredients

1 (2 pound) sirloin steak 

1 (2 pound) flank steak

1 tablespoon all spice

2 tablespoons of garlic

2 tablespoons freshly squeezed lime juice

3 packages of generic brand ramen noodles

...

I refuse to go on. I cant believe I'm seeing 2 types of steak in the same recipe as ramen noodles! I mean if  you can actually afford the steak why are you still eating ramen? Seriously that shit costs less than a pack of chiclets. This person bat shit crazy... Plus I'm pretty sure they don't sell steak in the food aisle at the gas station. If you actually venture out to a grocery store to buy your ramen why don't you kick this recipe up a notch get decadent and add lobster too? It would be like surf and turf on a bed of wet cardboard. Plus the author doesn't even suggest the legit ramen!

You've heard of "I can't believe it's not butter"? Ramen noodles I henceforth dub thee "I can't believe I'm this broke".

Frank Breaker

Some people need to get kicked in the teeth

Here's today's list of douchebags who could catch a foot

People who you would love to hate but can’t because they are too nice need to get kicked in the teeth.

Parents who don’t control their kids need to get kicked in the teeth. Their kids need to get kicked in the teeth too.

People who answer rhetorical questions incorrectly need to get kicked in the teeth.

White dudes who go outside in shorts in the dead of winter need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who talk to me while I have headphones on need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who walk slow in front of me need to get kicked in the teeth. Move out of the fucking way grandma!

People who don’t wash their hands after they’ve used the can need to get kicked in the teeth. Well done! Now you’re a walking caca-peepee factory.

People who leave my front door open need to get kicked in the teeth. What - were you raised in a barn???

People with shitty tattoos need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who use the word “tatt” instead of tattoo need to get kicked in the teeth.

Women who still support the GOP after all the 2012 bullshit rape rhetoric need to get kicked in the teeth.

The GOP needs to get kicked in the teeth.

A dentist who continues a conversation with you while he works on your mouth needs to get kicked in the teeth.

People who try to touch my hair need to get kicked in the teeth.

Smartass vegetarians who preach their wicked ways need to get kicked in the teeth.

Circus clowns need to get kicked in the teeth.

My weight needs to get kicked in the teeth.

Big bugs need to get kicked in the teeth.

Taco Bell needs to get kicked in the teeth.

Orange Frenzies Freezies (stupid spell check) need to get kicked in the teeth.

Spell check (see above) needs to get kicked in the teeth.

Facebook needs to get kicked in the teeth.

Slow checkout tellers need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who repeat shit to me even though I tell them they already told me need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who repeat shit to me even though I tell them they already told me need to get kicked in the teeth. 

People who repeat shit to me even though I tell them they already told me need to get kicked in the teeth. 

My cellular phone needs to get kicked in the teeth. 

Wait staff who try to jedi mind trick me into adding to my order (i.e: do you want fries with that, cheese on that, etc) need to get kicked in the teeth. I know what I want to eat fuckface. If I wanted cheese on my hamburger I would’ve ordered a cheeseburger.

Drunk strangers who try to give me high fives need to get kicked in the teeth.

Couples who use the same email address need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who walk up on the escalator need to get kicked in the teeth. I shouldn't have to move to let you pass me. If you wanted to walk take the goddamn stairs! Leave the escalators for us lazy folk. Same goes moving sidewalks.

People who say “I saw it with my own eyes” need to get kicked in the teeth. No shit you saw it with your own eyes. You sure as hell didn't see it with my eyes...

People who clip the back of my legs with their grocery carts need to get kicked in the teeth.

People at restaurants who ask “would you like a table?” need to get kicked in the teeth. What the fuck do you think I'm here for? To admire the decor?

People who choose to pee in the urinal right beside me when there are other urinals free need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who use the word "butt" instead of "ass" need to get kicked in the teeth. 

*Edit: possible exception - when children are around.

Strangers who talk to me in public restrooms need to get kicked in the teeth.

People with artificial tans need to get kicked in the teeth.

People who say "volumptuous" instead of "voluptuous" need to get kicked in the teeth.

Shazam!!! Catch a foot with your teeth!

Frank Breaker

A.V Alarm Clock

"FUCK!"

Is the first thing I said today when my alarm clock went off. In fact I think that's the first thing I say EVERY day my alarm wakes me up. It's not because I'm too tired or because it's too early - most days I only get up at the crack of noon... it's because the noise of the alarm is jarring. Unfortunately I have to set it to the most annoying tone possible because I'm a heavy sleeper. The only thing that prevents me from bashing my alarm clock to pieces is that it's my cellular telephone...
I don't think alarm clocks were ever meant to be tolerated. The sound of an alarm clock puts my morning off big time. By definition an alarm signifies the occurrence of some undesirable event (ex: Fire alarms, smoke alarms, air raid alarms, burglar alarm, etc). So when I wake up to an alarm the initial sentence that pops in my head during the first few seconds of being "shocked" awake is "what the FUCK is going on?!" Then I snap back to reality mad as hell.

There is one other thing that can wake me up in the morning - a blowjay. I may hate my alarm clock but I love a blowjay. Even the promise of a blowjay is enough to wake me up... this brings me to my new product idea - the Artificial Vagina Alarm Clock.

This product will rock the world. With the Artificial Vagina Alarm Clock you're guaranteed to wake up gently and have a decent day. Even better would be if you can actually convince your girl to give you a real blowjay every morning. But we know that won't happen.

Frank Breaker

Breaker's Greetings

Frank Breaker

Dogs driving cars

Now I've seen it all.



I just realized Monty drives better than my mom! She's a SHIT driver. She's gotten into 4 car accidents in her own fucking driveway. Two years ago she murdered my basketball pole by backing into it.

Monty's face at 0:24 is priceless. He's like "what the fuck is happening here".

*Edit: I want to ship Baxter off to them for training. Imagine if I owned a canine chauffeur?? He could come pick me up whenever I'm drunk.

Frank Breaker

I Believe (Frank's thoughts)

I Believe: As adults we should get praise when we go to the bathroom. Just like when we were kids being potty trained. I want to feel like the king of the world every time I pee.

I Believe: If you're ever eating reese's and you run into reese witherspoon the right thing to do is to give her the candy since it obviously belongs to her.
*EDIT: This should actually be applied to any situation involving reese's and anyone named reese.

I Believe: You should never play any kind of game (video game, board game, etc) with the dude from the "saw" movies.

I Believe: If you buy an horse sized duck the bill will be huge.

I Believe: Since vampires cannot be seen in mirrors they should all have have personal assistants so they can be told whether or not they have booger snots in their noses.

I Believe: You should never trust a fish monger who smells of anything other than fish.

I Believe: 88% of the time I am right. Others are right the remaining 12% of the time.

I Believe: Those who say "nothing is impossible" are lying. This morning I did absolutely nothing.

I Believe: Pears make terrible phallic symbols.

I Believe: We are not meant to ingest avocado. It tastes gross.

I Believe: A "walk" is a fly with its wings pulled off.

I Believe: You are meant to keep your enemies close and your friends closer. That way your enemies will have to go through a human shield made of your buddies to get to you.

I Believe: You should never hit a person with glasses... Use your feet and kick them in the teeth.

I Believe: Witches should spend less time being mean and more time knitting warm sweaters. That way their tits won't be so cold.

I Believe: Gay sailors think women and seamen don't mix.

I Believe: If you ever meet queen lafifah you had better try your hardest to not call her "queef latina".

I Believe: If you have intercourse with your second cousin you should stop counting.

I Believe: You should not throw doo doo paper.

I Believe: There is no need to give notice when quitting your employment. Just leave. Eventually they will notice you're not there.

I Believe: Hookers don't really sweat in church. They look for clients.

I Believe: They lock gas station bathrooms because they don't want them to be cleaned by accident.

I Believe: There's no such thing as a "free" gift. All gifts are free.

I Believe: Buffalo wings are chicken.

I Believe: Spraying an insect with insect repellent will guarantee he will be alone for the rest of his life.

I Believe: Sour cream shouldn't have an expiry date stamped on the container.

I Believe: Arachnophobes shouldn't surf the web.

I Believe: Straitjackets are for the insane as well as people who like giving themselves hugs. 

I Believe: You should never carry nuts and bolts in your pockets when riding a roller coaster with a loop de loop. When they fall out during the ride people will freak.

Frank Breaker

Republicans: Keep Out of Canada

So the American election results are in and Barack Obama is back for another four years. It's nice to see a brother still flossin and putting some black in the white house! To tell you the truth, beyond the amazing achievement of Barack becoming the first black president I really didn't give a shit about the American presidential race or their politics for that matter. As a Canadian my issue is with the potential republican exodus bullshit; after yesterday's democratic win, some GOP supporters were up in arms over the results and looked to us in the north for possible salvation. This morning twitter was flooded with all kinds of bullshit comments:

I better start getting the spare room set up for my grandma. She said if obama wins again she was moving to Canada — 

You guys looks like I'm legit moving to Canada - My dad is honestly looking for houses right now to move to since Obama got elected again — #nomorebama

Obama again? thts it im moving to Canada or the UK #nomorebama 

This fuckery continued ad nauseum. It made me want to delete my goddamn twitter account. So that's it huh? You hate your democratically elected government so much that you're willing to pack up your shit, ditch your country and move here? Let me school you shit puddles on a few things:

- you hate your President. Can any of you name our Prime Minister? Here's a hint - he's a douchebag.
- you want abortion to be banned. It's legal here - we Canadians aren't "anti" woman.
- you think homosexuality is a disease. We have gender neutral marriage. Dudes with dudes and chicks with chicks is fine by me! Why should they be denied the right to be as miserable as heterosexual married couples?
- you love the story of creation. Here we teach evolution in science class. From monkeys to men assholes!
- you love your pistols. You're best leaving them shits behind. There are no "stand your ground" laws in Canada - shoot first and ask questions later here will land you in jail.
- you don't want publicly funded healthcare. We've had a universal, government funded healthcare system in place for years you fools.
- you don't like immigrants. There are shitloads of us here.
- you like speaking out against minorities and homosexuals. Hate speech is illegal here and your talk shit can actually land you in jail.
- you love suing peeps. There are no frivolous law suits here. For example you can't sue a beer company because you cracked open a brew and half naked chicks didn't appear in your apartment like in the commercial.
- Your money is green and small. Our cash is big and all kinds of colours. It's like old lady money. You won't like it. Plus there's so much pocket change! You'd have to buy a stronger belt to keep your pants up.

We also have ketchup chips which are a staple in the Canadian diet. You won't like them.

Plus there's the fact we don't want your crazy asses. Let's stop the madness! Canada is not a safe haven for republican expats.

Actually come to think of it I'm not too worried about you delusional fools... most of you couldn't find Canada anyway. Try Mexico instead.

EDIT: Actually no. You should come - I've drawn you a map. Follow the red arrow. Avoid the territory marked "ZOMBIELAND". There are zombies there! Trust me. They may look normal but they will eat you. Avoid it at all costs and drive straight through to Canada.

(Maybe the cold weather will kill you off...)

EDIT: If Romney had won there would've been democrats spitting the same lyrics about moving up here. Let me say it right now - this would not be a problem! In fact we'd welcome them with open arms. The more leftists we gain the easier it'll be to shovel Steven Harper out of office.

Frank Breaker

Halloween back in the day

When I was a kid halloween was the MASSIVE event for me and my crew. It ranked right up there with birthdays and xmas. For us "halloween" was synonymous with "candyrun". I mean costumes played a big role but the ultimate prize was the crop. If you hustled enough you could stock up for months! When it came to the sweet shits we horded like there was no tomorrow. Rule number one? Go as long and as hard as possible. We could only take advantage of this golden opportunity once a year...

Security
Protecting your haul was almost like a post apocalyptic situation where no one but your closest friends could be trusted. Not even my family was privy to the true location of my bounty - I used to leave a bowl of shit candy (black licorice, raisins, rockets, marshmallow stuffed shit, etc) in my closet as a decoy cause my mom and sister used to steal my shit. The real stash was under my bottom dresser drawer. That was when I was old enough to protect my shit. In prior years my mom would "check" my candy under the guise of "safety" (searching for shit I was allergic to, poisons, razor blades, etc...). After she was done I was always ass out of mars bars. She claimed it's cause mars bars had peanuts in them. Bullshit! There's no peanuts in mars just admit you like them! In fact you have cash go out and buy your own. You shouldn't be robbing your son. Goddamn crook.

Costumes
My mom used to insist on choosing/making my costumes every year until I was about 8 and I put my foot down and told her I wanted to choose. Ordinarily the costumes were ok (robot, bat, dracula)... One year I asked to be a ninja. Due to my moms shit sewing abilities and her lack of understanding what a ninja was I ended up looking like a black ghost with a sword and a belt. She had no qualms whatsoever letting me leave the house looking retarded. No one knew what I was supposed to be... That really slowed down my night (see below under "What are you supposed to be?"). The next year her seamstress friend rita decided to fix the costume so the ninja suit it would look more authentic. It ended up looking fantastic! The only issue was that year was I wanted to be a cop. We had all decided to be cops that year... My mom insisted I wear the fixed ninja suit - she felt bad about the time rita had put into it so to discourage me she only bought me the badge, gun and cuffs. I of course wanted the hat and shirt but she said no. Finally she convinced me to combine the costumes. We pinned the badge to my chest and tucked the cuffs, gun and sword into my belt. I became the worlds first ninja cop! It ended up being a cool costume and my crew were all jealous. But of course she insisted I wear my jacket! Why would I want to wear a jacket??? How would anyone see my badass costume? That's when I started bringing an extra pillow case to ditch my coat in.

Hitting the streets
Thanks to my friend scotty boy's 2 older brothers we managed to come up with a kick ass trick or treat system. As soon as it got pitch black we would hit the streets and link up at the park by scotty boy's house - it was me, scotty boy, jay o and white rob (as opposed to black rob). Black rob would always want to come out with us but the rule was we never go out in a group of more than 4. You get more loot that way. Plus no one liked black rob anyway...

We would use pillow cases - plastic bags were for amateurs. Pillow cases were stronger plus they held more.

Jay o was the flash light holder. Only because he insisted - he was obsessed with star wars and would pretend it was a light sabre.

Since scotty boy and white rob were the biggest of us four they were the look outs/muscle - we had to make sure there weren't any bigger kids lurking around to mug us for our shit. *Note - Scotty boy would always have a 2 foot long mini baseball bat in his bag which his brother gave him for protection.

I was the self designated door bell ringer - I made sure to only ring the door when we were all together on the stoop and not a second earlier so we all got approximately the same amount of loot.

We hated houses where punkasses would answer the door to say they had no candy left. Out of stock? Then turn off your goddamn lights and don't waste my time! This is a universal halloween rule.

We also hated the people who like talking to trick or treaters at the door. Whats up with those fools? "Oh I like your costume..." "Give me a trick..." etc... The worst by far was "What are you supposed to be?". What am I supposed to be?! I'm supposed to be at the next house by now so get the candy in the bag! Halloween is about survival of the fittest and we need to keep the ball rolling.

Mrs Johnson's house was one house we would always make sure to hit early. She gave out the good shit. Full sized chocolate bars! Most of the time they were mars, twix or 3 musketeers. And the bonus? A lot of kids in the neighborhood didn't know she had a tenant that lived in the basement. The entrance to his place was in the back - he was one of those lazy peeps who would put out a bowl of candy and would write on it "please take one". Pft! Please take one? That's crazy talk. We would take it all. I would even take the bowl. That's what I would use to put my shit candy in that my family used to steal (as mentioned above)

Post evening wrap up
Trading! We'd end up back where we started at scotty boy's house, dump our candy into individual piles and begin negotiations. We'd always try and convince each other that certain treats weren't good just to get the upper hand in the trade. White rob would aways try and get rid of all his black stuff but he would have to sweeten the deal by throwing in something good. Since I was allergic to peanuts I would trade away all my peanut laced crap. I was a power trader - those fools loved all that peanut shit. Jay o hated anything with marshmallows. Scotty liked mostly everything so he was easy to deal with. Then we'd break out and go home to start planning next year's costumes.

Frank "Ninja Cop" Breaker

Stupid Expressions 2

Here is a list of stupid expressions/colloquialisms I've heard various people say around me over the past since the last stupid expressions post I made 4 months ago.

You must have a horseshoe up your ass (my dad's friend)

WTF? My dad's buddy used this to describe a car accident I had about a month ago where I TOTALED some chick's chevy malibu with my jeep (her fault). I was reversing, the idiot pulled in behind me and my tow hook cut through her shit car like a can opener. There was no damage on my car so according to my dad's friend "I had a horseshoe up my ass". This is supposed to be a good thing? Anything shoved up my ass doesn't sound good to me ESPECIALLY something as large as a goddamn horseshoe...

Actually it sounds like I got into a fist fight with a horse and lost.

She has sex on the legs (my cousin)

Meh. Don't know about this one - he claims it means that the girl he's referring to is hot but I have a feeling he made it up. Put this one on the stupid expressions pile.

A penny saved is a penny earned (my mom)

You dummy. A penny saved is just a penny saved cheapskate. It doesn't somehow magically double in value...

Speaking of doubling in value:
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush (my dad)

I must have written about this one before - my dad says this about once or twice a year and I never have a clue what the fuck he's saying. So a few weeks ago I asked him what the hell it means. If this bird I'm holding is worth cash money then who determines it's value? And since the bird is worth twice as much in the bush is the bush a multiplier? I mean if I leave the bush is my bird still worth twice as much or do I have to bring the bush with me to the currency exchange office when I cash in my fowl? Are larger birds worth more? Like say a hummingbird versus an ostrich? How will I hold an ostrich down in a bush? Them shits are vicious...

He never answered me.

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer (my dad)

Why would I keep my enemies closer than my friends? That's just plain stupid. I would keep my friends closer so that they form a human shield between me and my enemies. If any of my many enemies want to get me they'll have to kill a few of my buddies first.

That's like the pot calling the kettle black (one of my employees)

That pot is a racist bastard.


One person's trash is another man's treasure (my handyman)

Nope. I'm pretty sure it's still trash. Unless you're homeless...

Money can't buy happiness (random)

BULLSHIT! If you believe this then please by all means give me your cash. I guarantee you I'll buy some shit that makes me smile.

The grass is always greener in your neighbors yard (my office assistant)

I guess this one happens to be true at my house - my neighbor takes care of his grass using fertilizers and all that jazz to make his shit grow. Meanwhile I don't give a fuck about mine.

By the way "I don't give a fuck" is my phrase of the month. Wanda Sykes is JOKES! Watch:



Let's not beat around the bush (my dad)

Again with the bushes??? Is this bastard trying to get at my precious birds? I have a feeling he knows something about the value of these winged treasures.

I'm gonna keep my eye on him.

It's always in the last place you look (my sister)

Not for me - I keep looking long after I've found whatever I was originally looking for. Sometimes I find other shit.

I'm between a rock and a hard place (my mom)

She was referring to having to fire our janitor. Regarding the expression - I know what a rock is but what in gods worth is a hard place?


Tit for tat (my dad)

WTF is a tat? I don't think I'm comfortable trading up any tits for it. I like tits.

That horse fart is going to be the death of me (my mom referring to my sister)

WOW!! Horse fart?! I'm sure she made this one up.

Come to think of it this expression actually kicks ass. I'm using it tonight.


The fan's going to hit the roof (my mom)

??????????

I think she was trying to say the shit's going to hit the fan. I know it refers to a situation going from bad to worse but the expression is still stupid. The fan splatters the poo everywhere? Who's the bastard throwing this poo around? Why can't he/she just leave it where it belongs?

Franklin "don't give a fuck" Breaker