Ask Frank

Hey Frank - I just changed the toilet paper roll in my bathroom. Why after my girl goes to the toilet is there only 20% left of the roll? What do they do in there?

Mans aren't supposed to know the answer to this one but I did a little recon (i.e hid in the shower) and watched what my girl does. She rips it in pieces and eats it! Trust me your girl does the same...

Hey Frank - Why do girls pace back and forth while they're on the phone?

It's because of their vaginas. I don't know the exact science but it has something to do with the sound waves coming from the device interfering with the electromagnetic radiation that is emitted from the pussy (much like an airplanes navigational instruments being adversely affected by cell phones). They have to keep their vaginas in motion to stave off the electromagnetic discharge... I believe this is based on the perpetual movement technology rolex developed for self winding watches. Mens use the same technique whenever they run the microwave.

Hey Frank - Why do trannies dress so slutty?

Have you ever seen a tranny dressed like a housewife??? No. You know why? Because they are all tramps. And mean.

Hey Frank - I like the idea of being in law enforcement. Should I become a security guard?

If you become a security guard you are not in law enforcement so the dream is already over for you. You have no gun. All you do is observe and report. Basically you are a witness who gets paid for his time. Good luck with all that

Hey Frank - Who is the vice president?

Of what? Of your country?? I'm canadian which basically means I don't care.

Hey Frank - Can I mix bleach and water together to make it less toxic?

Personally I prefer to drink my bleach straight. That way you get the full bodied flavor in every sip.

Hey Frank - My girlfriend wants us to swim with the dolphins. Is it safe?

Sure! Dolphines are just gay sharks and don't worry they're vegetarians so they won't nibble at your testicles.

Hey Frank - Do canadians really ride polar bears to work? If so where do I rent one?

Yes and it kicks ass! Mine likes chill in the parking lot with the other polar bears smoking cigarettes and shooting the shit while he waits for me. Then he tells me all about his day on the ride home. His name is carlos and he's originally from the dominican republic. Contact me when you get here I'll hook you up with his cousin fernando.

Hey Frank - Which direction is north in canada?

Step 1 - face south
Step 2 - turn 45 degrees counter clockwise.
Step 3 - repeat step 2

Hey Frank - Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast so badly you can't eat it?

This setting isn't for toast it's for tanning your hands.

Hey Frank - What are male ballerinas called?

Women.

Hey Frank - What is baby oil made from?

Distilled petroleum byproducts and babies.

Frank Breaker

Ask Frank

Hey Frank - I dropped my Iphone in the toilet and it smells like poo now. What should I do?

Go to the app store and download the app “IStink”. It’s free.

Hey Frank – I’ve been single for a year now cause I can’t find the right woman. Should I continue looking for my soul mate?

Fuck it let her come look for you. Or try men.

Hey Frank - Do you frequent strip clubs?

Not that often. I don’t particularly relish the idea of sitting around a room full of strange dudes with boners...

Hey Frank - What’s worse: texting and driving or drinking and driving?

Texting and driving is unquestionably worse. At least with drinking and driving you’re at the wheel watching trying to watch the road. When you’re texting and driving no one’s watching the road - you might as well just get in the back seat. I almost drove into a ditch texting my girl the other day. Imagine I crashed my ride?! My last text would’ve been “I'm having buffalo wings tonight BUFFALO!!!”. That’s fucked up

Hey Frank - My girlfriend gave a mock blowjob to an icicle last year at a new years party and really went at it with gusto. How do I get her to do the same moves on me?

Put your wiener in the freezer. Leave it on ice for about 30 minutes (bring a magazine to read while you wait) then show your frozen dick to your girlfriend. Instant blowjay my friend

Hey Frank - Why is my grandpa mean to some people?

Old people just don’t give a fuck. My 77 year old uncle once walked out of a hotel without paying his bill because he “didn’t feel like paying it”. He had been there for 2 weeks. And it wasn’t about the money dude is rich as fuck… I remember once instead of buying new shoes he painted his black dress shoes white to go with his white suit. I asked him what he was going to wear with his other suits – he said “I’m just going to have to paint the shoes black again”. Cheap bastard.

Hey Frank - Why did my parents have me circumcised? I’m not Jewish.

Because you parents wanted you to look just like your dad. Next time you’re with your dad ask him to show you his dick for comparison and you show him yours.

Hey Frank - I’m in love with my cousin and she likes me. What should I do?

Go ahead and plow her bareback. If she doesn’t get pregnant then it’s meant to be. If she does get pregnant donate the baby to a carnival.

Hey Frank - I cut my boyfriend with a kitchen knife on purpose. Should I apologize? I kind of feel bad…

Don’t even worry about it. The mere fact that you feel bad is good enough for me.

Hey Frank - Why doesn’t the moon fall down?

Because it’s glued on real good.

Hey Frank - I accidentally swallowed a bee. What should I do?

Get someone to perform the Heimlich maneuver on you pronto before it lays a hive in your pancreas.

Hey Frank - My sock went missing when I put it in the washing machine. Where did it go?

It was digested by your washing machine. It was probably starving - they need sustenance and their favorite seems to be socks... I feed mine a bowl of yarn every night so he leaves my socks alone. His name is karl. He's german.

Frank Breaker

Potential winner of the 2011 Artificial Vagina Worst Video of Life Award

I can't even comment on how much of a disaster this is. Just press play



I'm howling over here hahahahahaaaaa!!! Video fail.

Frank Breaker

Edit: I think I know this guy!

Ask Frank

Hey Frank - I hate my past how can i change it?

I could take you back in time with my 85 Fiero Gt Time Machine for $2199.99 + tax. Just note - you only get 2 hours MAXIMUM in the past. I use the AIS rule (ass in seat) if your ass is not in the passenger seat within those 2 hours I will leave your stupid face in the past. I'm very busy I don't have time for shenanigans.

Hey Frank - Should I take the plastic off of my furniture?

Yes. Plastic on furniture is for immigrants fresh off the boat and people who host orgies.

Hey Frank - How can I become a doctor without going to school?

I'm sure you can learn all you need to know off the internet.

Hey Frank - I’ve had my cats for years but my new gf is allergic and she wants me to get rid of them. What should I do?

Hm... this is a tough one. Depends. How big are her tits?

Hey Frank - I have crabs, what should I feed them?

Don't feed them! Let them die then stick some ice down your crotch to keep those suckers fresh.

Hey Frank - Yesterday I was chased by a swarm of bees. Is it because I ate some royal jelly supplement?

If you ate it straight out of the hive then yes.

Hey Frank - My co worker really smells bad. What should I do about it?

Spray them in the face with febreeze.

Hey Frank - Where can I buy green eggs and ham?

If you mean the book try amazon. If you mean the food try fantasy land.

Hey Frank - I'm looking for good songs to strip for my husband to. Do you have any suggestions?

Depends. How big are your tits?
If they're big: Brick house by the Commodores 36-24-36
If they're medium: I put a spell on you by Screamin Jay Hawkins
If they're small: Summertime by Janis Joplin

Hey Frank - How come when I talk to girls on dating sites none of them talk back?

Cause you're probably ugly. Sorry kiddo.

Hey Frank - Can antarctica fall off the globe?

YES! Make sure you stay north of the equator my friend. I once went to new zealand and when I was going to catch a taxi the cab itself fell off the world. I also lost my sunglasses.

Hey Frank - How do I make a blueberry smoothie without blueberries?

Use strawberries and a blue marker.

Hey Frank - Will my date be impressed if I take her to burger king and buy her a junior whopper?

Only if you buy 2 of them. If you spring for fries you might even get a blow jay on the bus on the way back.

Hey Frank - What is an appropriate gift to buy my african american friend for black friday? Do you think he'll appreciate a book or an audio cd?

Get him The Wire DVD set complete series. Happy holidays!

Frank Breaker

Even more ask frank

Hey Frank - How do I get my girlfriend to kiss me? We've been going out for 10 months and we still haven't kissed what should i do?

Depends. How big are her tits?

Hey Frank - How long can an open bottle of alfredo sauce last in the fridge?

Open it stupid. If it smells wrong then throw it in the trash.

Hey Frank - If your boat trailer collides with another boat trailer on the highway, is it necessary to call the Coast Guard?

Yes - you should call them asap.

Hey Frank - What's your best party spinach dip recipe?

1 - 16 ounce (or 500 ml) container sour cream 1 cup mayonnaise 1 package Knorr vegetable soup mix 1 package spinach 1 bottle of Elmer brand white glue 2 loaves of round sourdough bread or pumpernickel bread (pumpernickel is dark rye bread) or 1 of each Chop the spinach. Mix it with the other ingredients, except the bread, and refrigerate it to let the flavors meld together.

Hollow out one of the loaves of bread with a knife, cut the second loaf of bread into cubes for dipping. Place the hollowed out loaf of bread on a serving plate and fill with the dip.

Enjoy

Hey Frank - Is sending money through western union safe?

Yes! If you're still not sure we can test it out. Send me $100.00 and I'll send it back to you as soon as I receive it. Here's my contact info: Frank Breaker P.O box 261 5667 Rue Sherbrooke Ouest, Montreal, QC

Hey Frank - Should I put chicken in my ramen noodles?

Do they even sell chicken at 7-11 stores?

Hey Frank - I'm a virgin and I've heard if you don't use it you lose it. Is this true? Will my vagina seal up on its own?

Yes it will it's only a matter of time. You need to get out there and plow the first dude you see. A vagina is very hard to reopen once it's sealed itself up.

Hey Frank - I swallowed one of my girlfriend's birth control by accident. What could happen?

Oral hormonal contraceptive pills have the adverse affect on men - you might already be pregnant. I suggest you see a doctor immediately for termination options.

Hey Frank - Do snots have calories?

Yes they are also very high in sodium.

Hey Frank - Whos this Justin Beavers I keep hearing about?

He's the retired guy who lives next door to me. You want to meet him? I can arrange it.

Hey Frank - My 12 year old daughter discovered masturbation and now she does all the time. She uses fruits and vegetables - carrots, cucumbers and bananas. How do I stop her?

Stop buying carrots, cucumbers and bananas. That way she won't be able to plow your supper anymore.

Hey Frank - How do I get my pregnant wife to let me breastfeed?

Depends. How big are her tits?

Frank Breaker

More Ask Frank

Hey Frank - I think my boyfriend might be in the closet. All 3 times we had sex I noticed his eyes were always closed. How can I tell if he is a gay? Is there a test?

Yes there is. You will need to build an electromagnet pronto! You need:

• A large iron nail (about 3 inches)
• About 3 feet of THIN COATED copper wire
• A fresh D size battery
• Some paper clips or other small magnetic objects

Here’s what you do:

1. Leave about 8 inches of wire loose at one end and wrap most of the rest of the wire around the nail. Try not to overlap the wires.

2. Cut the wire (if needed) so that there is about another 8 inches loose at the other end too.

3. Now remove about an inch of the plastic coating from both ends of the wire and attach the one wire to one end of a battery and the other wire to the other end of the battery. See picture below. (It is best to tape the wires to the battery - be careful though, the wire could get very hot!)

4. Now you have an ELECTROMAGNET! Put the point of the nail near a few paper clips and it should pick them up!

Now look at your boyfriend and check his reaction. If he’s busy sucking penis then he’s gay.

Hey Frank – Why do cheap sunglasses last forever?

The rule is sunglasses under $10.00 (CAD) never get lost. This fact is a universal physical constant. I tested it out myself – I bought some sunglasses from the dollar store, drove to the Old Port (montreal) and hurled them into the st laurent river. A couple days later I opened my sock drawer and there they were.

Hey Frank – I made jesus shaped cookies and ate them all last night. Does this mean I’ve received the body of Christ?

Sure.

HEY FRANK – I ACCIDENTLY TURNED ON CAPS LOCK ON THE KEYBOARD AT MY OFFICE. THE PROBLEM IS THE KEYBOARD IS FRENCH AND I’M ENGLISH SO I CAN’T UNDERSTAND THE KEYS. HOW DO I SWITCH THE CAPS LOCK OFF? I DON’T UNDERSTAND FRENCH

I HAVE THE EXACT SAME PROBLEM! I’VE LEARNED TO LIVE WITH IT – YOU SHOULD TOO.

Hey Frank - Are freckles contagious?

Of course they are! They are severe and permanent. For your own sake don’t go near any gingers lest you become one. I’ve heard they don’t have souls and only drink gingerale.

PS: they also have fire crotches.

Hey Frank - Is David blaine’s magic real?

Yes. He can really read minds so stop talking about him before he uses his psychic powers to assault us with mind bullets.

Hey Frank - My girl farted while having sex should I break up with her? Ordinarily I wouldn’t ask but it smelled like a dead skunk that crawled out of another skunk…

It depends. How big are her tits?

Hey Frank - what things did you do as a teenager that you covered up so well your dumb parents never figured out?

I used to stay out past my curfew and when it got really late I would call my house. My mom would answer and I’d say “its ok mommy I got it go back to bed.”

Frank Breaker

Leisure Diving

Move over planking here's the newest sensation - leisure diving. Its premise? Jumping into a pool, or other body of water while striking the most chill pose you possibly can. Some people do it in their bathing suits and some people take it up a notch and add accessories like costumes, martini shakers, ukuleles/guitars, crocket mallets, goose down pillows, copies of world war z, laptops, sombreros...

This shit looks wild! I guarantee it'll be bigger than the internet but it must hurt like a bitch. If you've ever done a belly flop you know that in those events somehow the water you're about to land on changes properties. It's like it picks up an extra atom or two and changes into pavement. When you watch it happen to someone else it's an epic event of awesomeness. When it happens to you it's just painful.

I think someone should do a leisure dive blowjob. But make sure to take your penis out of your girl's mouth before you land otherwise it's an awkward and painful trip to the emergency room for you.

Haar she blows!

Frank Breaker

Ask Frank

It's time for a new artificial vagina segment called "Ask Frank". Many of you have sent me dumb questions over the past couple years and I've decided to post the madness with my responses. Enjoy.

Hey Frank - why does frozen cauliflower taste so bad?

Because its frozen.

Hey Frank - I recently got a couple of nice, rather fabric cardigans, but I am not really sure what to wear under them. Do you have any suggestions?

I'd suggest wearing a shirt of some kind.

Hey Frank - I read your post about free condoms and thought maybe you were an authority on the subject. I am a virgin male and decided today that I wanted to figure out how condoms work. You know, for future reference. I have heard that it is important to "get the right size," so I’m wondering are the sizes listed on the box like they do bra sizes... kind of like, A, B, C, D?

There is regular size and magnum size. That’s it. Order a sampler pack from amazon and leave me alone.

PS stay away from durex brand.

Hey Frank - Are nuns aloud to masturbate?

Probably. But I’m sure they don’t do it “aloud” – everyone would hear the action.

Hey Frank - Why do shampoo instructions read, “Rinse and repeat”?

So that you use up more shampoo. Or maybe they think you missed your head the first time.

Hey Frank - What are the other 56 varieties of Heinz 57 sauce?

Ask heinz you bastard. CLICK

Hey Frank - Why is bra singular and panties plural?

I call it by its full designation - a pair of bra.

Hey Frank - Why does the Easter bunny hide eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.

The easter bunny probably plowed a chicken, got her pregnant and had to get rid of the evidence.

Hey Frank - Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are both the same number of letters?

Just use the name “chuck” and shutup.

Hey Frank - Why do we say something is out of whack? What is “whack”?

This question is whack.

Hey Frank - Why do they call the brand “Victoria's secret” Victoria's SECRET?

The secret is victoria used to be a dude named victor.

Hey Frank - I’ve read about your mom on your blog. What does she do for a living?

Shes a business owner. In her spare time she works as a tour guide on guilt trips…

Hey Frank - Which is larger, the Sun or the Earth.

You serious???

Hey Frank - Why is the chicken dance called the chicken dance?

What the fuck is the chicken dance?

Hey Frank - Why is deoderant spelled deoderant and not deoderent?

It isn’t. Its spelled “deodorant”.

Hey Frank - Why isn’t the word “colonel” spelled the way it sounds?

I wondered the very same thing a while ago. Probably to carry on the tradition of keeping the english language as perplexing as ever. Why is the word “bologna” pronounced bo lo nee?? I mean Lasagna isn’t pronounced la za nee…

That's it for now - feel free to send me more questions.

Frank Breaker

Get Him to the Greek - Sergio Roma Quotester

Frank Breaker