My boy biz and I are seasoned costco pros

I've said it before and I'll say it again - costco is navigational hell on earth! First there's people in the parking lots with SUVs they can't drive properly then inside these same asshats are steering giant carts they cant maneuver properly. It's pure madness. Plus none of these people like to go in alone they have to bring the whole fam with them (3 goddamn kids/babies, grandma, gramps etc...) like costco is some awesome day adventure. Mom dad kids and GMa decide they have to walk 5 peeps wide at a sickeningly slow pace because they think they're in warehouse mecca and are overwhelmed in their own shopping zone. Come on man! The carts should come with horns so I can honk these bastards out of my way. Seasoned pro coming through motherfuckers!

By far the worst is when people stop and leave their carts blocking the aisles. My new thing now
is I just fuck with them - I move their carts when they're not looking and watch the hilarious confusion that ensues. Serves them right! A seasoned pro is supposed to be able to be in and out of that joint within 1/2 an hour. It's doable provided you follow the costco pro purchase rule *standard 2 - 4 item purchase (click for explanation). I know my boy Biz (a true costco pro) gets it check out his costco purchase today


Laundry soap, a pillow, cake and a mouse. 4 items and BAM! He's in and out like the flash... Well done Biz! Applause all around.



PS: I want a slice of that cake tonight.

*EDIT - proof of the standard 2 - 4 item purchase rule: in 2004 Costco sold 90,000 karats of diamonds and 26 million rotisserie chickens. That's a lot of people walking around with engagement rings and chicken in their carts that year...

Frank Breaker

More gif tunes

More awesomeness. Again I say whomever came up with this concept is an effing genius!!
I'm stealing these slick moves for my next dance party.



PRESS PLAY



LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!

Frank Breaker

Internet win

My cousin forwarded this awesomeness to me today called "gif tunes". Basically the idea is you find an animated gif and post it together with a song. Whomever came up with this idea is a genius!! Honestly this shit is fried gold...

Here's an example



PRESS PLAY




*Edit: take 2


PRESS PLAY



Internet win all around.

Frank Breaker

Oh sweet jesus

BAHAHAHAHAAAA!!

Father Frank Breaker

Don't judge me

Sigh... I ended up at walmart this morning. Don't judge me. I had no choice, I needed to pick up vacuum filters for work. I was in such a bind that I broke one of my cardinal rules - never go to walmart in the morning. It's chock full of freaks! Where do these people come crawl out from? I never see them anywhere else in the city... only at walmart! Is there some inter dimensional portal in the parking lot that these beings use to travel back to their home world? To quote bobby collins it was like that bar scene in star wars.

Anyways I couldn't find the goddamn filters anywhere so I put in a call to "shrek" to ask her if she knew where they were. As I tried to dial out I realized my cellular phone had no signal! Fucking phone!!!! How do you lose reception in a walmart? It's not like I was in one of those colossal supercentres - those shits are so massive you can get lost for days before finding your way out. I once saw a group of stranded children who had been lost in the store for so long they had a serious "lord of the flies" situation going on.


Frank Breaker*Lost in walmart.

My future criminal organization

^ME^

I was watching "The Dark Knight" the other day and started to wonder how did the joker amass such a large crew of henchmen??? How do you even begin the recruiting process? I mean you have to start somewhere right? That got me thinking - maybe I could start my own gang of henchmen/villains? I would name my organization K.R.I.M.E (Kriminal Recreation Is Marvelous Entertainment). First I would have to find some crooks – this shouldn’t be too hard since I already know a few. I think a good number of henchmen/women to start with is 10 (there’s always room for expansion). I would teach each of my henchmen/women a special skill and give them code names based on that skill. They will also be provided with a uniform which would have to be worn at ALL times during office hours. Incidentally what kind of office hours do criminal masterminds keep anyways? Is it like shift work? Anyways each henchman employee of K.R.I.M.E would be required to work 10 - 20 hours per week. I would be very flexible here as most of the crooks in my employ would have to keep their day jobs. In the beginning stage work at K.R.I.M.E would be an unpaid internship but once my organization starts making profit all employees would be eligible for a cut. In addition to the uniform all employees would be provided with a patch branded with K.R.I.M.E's logo (the patch would have to be returned should the henchman/woman quit). The only time you would be allowed to show up to K.R.I.M.E headquarters without the uniform is when you are working under cover on a mission OR on casual Fridays.

K.R.I.M.E headquarters would be a warehouse in a shipyard where I could draft various complex schemes or create villainous devices and machines (the ultimate goal being theft and destruction). We would need to cause as much as crime and crookery as possible so that people fear us to the point that the mere mention of K.R.I.M.E sends a wave of fear throughout the city.

Once a week to keep up appearances I would hold staff meetings in shady criminal type places (alleyways, rooftops, boats, on top of a moving trains, in underground lairs, in the conference room at the holiday inn across from Fairview shopping centre, etc…) where I would introduce new henchmen/women, go over the K.R.I.M.E weekly agenda, etc... Attendance would be mandatory at these meetings. Criminal marsterminding is serious business not a dog and pony show.

So far here are the codenames I came up with for the gentlemen of K.R.I.M.E

Skeletor

Finger (already taken)

Bezerko

ZodiaK (spelled EXACTLY this way)

Fisto

Triclops

Mantenna

Technogloom

And for the ladies of K.R.I.M.E

Evil - Lynne

Miss - Carriage

Miss - Behave

Miss – Take

Grimlockz

Night Stalkerz (for twins or sisters)

Megamistress

Skeletor

Juggs

K.R.I.M.E's evil plans so far

Frank Breaker - Criminal mastermind

K.R.I.M.E founder

Request

Damn straight.

Frank Breaker