Truth

I love this dudes expression 2

Frank Breaker

I love this dudes expression

Frank Breaker

Missed Connections

This new segment is simple - I thought it would be jokes to respond to some of the messages in Craigslist's missed connections section

Bose headphones, Laurier station - w4m (orange line)

You got on at Laurier station at about 10:15am this morning heading in the Cote Vertu direction. You were carrying a green backpack. You were reading a kindle and listening to music on Bose headphones. I thought you were very attractive and kept looking over. It made me smile watching you move your hands along to the music you were listening to. You seemed so into it.
I was the redhead in the grey tuque. We made eye contact a few times before I got to my stop and had to leave.
I've never posted a missed connection before and I'm not one to do this, but if you see this and want to maybe grab a drink some time, get in touch.

Me: Wow. I can't believe you found me! I honestly NEVER check these things. You were soooo cute! I can't believe you took notice of all of those details! Although I must admit that it wasn't a real kindle - it was a "shanzai" reader. It's a chinese knockoff... I'm too broke to afford a real kindle. I know what you're asking - he cant afford a real kindle but he can afford bose headphones? The truth is I stole those. Please don't judge... Anyways let's get together and get that drink!

Her: I don't believe this is real I'm pretty sure you are not the man i saw on the metro. If youre were and if you did indeed notice me then describe me.

Me: You were wearing a grey tuque. The rest is kind of fuzzy... Remember "my" bose headphones? I had just mugged some chick for them and was so amped up from the thrill of getting away scott free I celebrated with a couple bumps of smack. Plus I chugged a 40. I was kind of blitzed lol! Oh and I remember you had red hair? I likes me a redhead... Um... does the carpet match the vanetian venitian horizontal blinds? Is that the right expression?

So how bout that drink???

Her: you suck goodbue forever creep

Me: No madam I do not suck. You suck! You have some nerve... First of all I'm married. With all the details you noticed there's no way you didn't see my wedding ring. Hitting on a married man how low can you get?! Second of all I was not as you describe "moving my hands along to the music I was listening to". I was having a stroke. Remember the heroine I mentioned I took? I kept looking at you cause I couldn't speak and I needed you to call 911. Then you just got off the metro and ditched me. 

Good day biatch.

PS: I'm writing this from my hospital room at Montreal General. I'm in room C407 - if you would like to make it up to me send flowers.

I'll Post more missed connections soon

Frank Breaker

A.V new definitions for 2015

Artificial Vagina New definitions for 2015


Organic (or-gan-ic): more expensive

The News: what's wrong today

Grater (grat-er): a sponge ruiner or finger shredder

Facebook (face-book): a website that promotes stalking where the stalkee doesnt know they are in a relationship with the stalker

Straightjacket (straight-jack-et): a self hugger

Gasoline (gas-o-line): car juice

Fart: an invisible poo

Clown: a transvestite that applied way too much makeup

Boxing (box-ing): a ballet where dancers punch each other

Tickle (tick-le): a type of rape you are forced to laugh through

Hand Sanitizer (hand san-i-tiz-er): a paper cut finder

Clap: a self high five

Tampon (tam-pon): a vampire tea bag

Microwave (mi-cro-wave): the head chef at Bardeco Pizzeria

Beard: a face food storage

Jogging Pants (jogg-ing pants): pants people who don't shower often like to wear


Egg: an organically gift wrapped chicken fart

Gumball Machine (gum-ball mach-ine): a candy aquarium

Blowjobs/blowjays (blow-job/blow-jay): flowers for men

Ninja (nin-ja): an Asian burglar
 


Frank Breaker

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2014 Artificial Vagina Best Videos of Life Award: thug life

I've been killing thug life videos since my infant son slapped me in the face and I googled "baby slaps person". It's jooookes I seriously can't get enough of this shit. Check out my top 10 list 

Number 10 thug: the thug shoe tier



Number 9 thug: the thug swordsman



Number 8 thug: the thug monster hunter



Number 7 thug: the thug shoplifter



Number 6 thug: the thug cake smasher







Number 5 thug: the thug ping ponger



Number 4 thug: the thug defier



Number 3 thug: the thug racer



Number 2 thug: the thug driver



honorable mention... thug slapper



And the number 1 thug: thug infomercialer (starring kathy lee gifford)



Frank Breaker