I scared some guy today

So this morning I'm at reno depot in the handicap stall peeing when some joker turns the lights off in the bathroom. As I'm feeling my way towards the exit some dude walks in and flicks the switch on. As soon as he saw me he screamed and started flapping his arms (like below)! It was funny as shit.



HAHAHAHAHAAA!! He almost fell backwards onto the ground too. Priceless.

Frank Breaker

Autographed bible

I have an autographed bible for sale that I found in my parents basement a couple years ago. I have no clue if it was signed by jesus christ himself or my dad when he was drunk. Either way it's kind of cool. Why am I selling it? Those who know me know it's not because I'm interested in sharing the "good word" with anyone. I think it's absolutely wonderful if people get something out of a belief system as long as I don't have to hear about it. Anyways the truth is I just bought some transformers collectibles and don't have room on my bookshelf for both.



$15.00 cash.

Frank Breaker

My time machine is for sale

Some of you may remember my 85 Fiero Gt Time Machine (if not click the link to jog your memory). Well today is one reader's lucky day! I'm selling it. The vehicle itself runs well (see specs below) the only issue is with the main time travel component. The original flux capacitor is only compatible with a 1981-1983 Delorean DMC 12 V6 – 2.9L. In an attempt to customize the unit to work with the Fiero I accidentally cracked two of the geissler tubes (also a few of the buttons stick and need replacing). As a result the vehicle doesn't go in reverse - only forward at normal speed and sometimes it catches fire when it hits 88mph (see below).

This is what happened the last time I tried to get up to 88. Anyways you MUST replace the broken system with a new custom one before attempting to go back in time unless you want to end up with a flaming pile of trash.

Here are the details:

5 speed manual transmission
2.8 V6. 133,000 km (mostly highway/numerous time travel attempts)
new clutch
new rims
new tires
new struts
new shocks
interior in decent shape
all electronic time travel components have been stripped and resoldered
cassette player
trailer hitch in case you want to hook up a trailer or uhaul (you can pack up and relocate to the past)

needs new flux capacitor customized for compatibility
needs new brakes
needs a new driver side wiper motor $35.00 bucks at the scrap yard
2 small cracks in the windshield - nothing serious just take it to lebeau vitres d'auto or speedy glass (it’s free if your insurance covers you for glass damage)
could use a fresh paint job (slightly damaged from the last fire)

needs to be towed - I repoed the battery for parts

$250,000 quick sale - real bargain!

Frank Breaker - Ex Time Traveler

*Edit: You also have to supply your own plutonium

Back in the day part 2: When you didn't know

Remember how back in the day you thought you knew the meaning of a certain thing and it turned out you were completely wrong? When I was about 7 years old my best friend Drew was 100% convinced that "fucking" was gesturing for someone to come over by moving your middle finger back and forth rather than the index finger. One day he did it to a girl we knew. When she came over he explained it to her and she started doing the same gesture. Meanwhile I'm sitting on a rock watching these two fools basically flipping each other the bird over and over... A lunch lady came over and asked what they were doing and without skipping a beat the girl replied they were fucking! LOL the weirdness of a child's innocent perceptions of sexuality... Anyways this is a clip from the movie "Me and You and Everyone We Know". Goes to show people really need to monitor kids on the internet... The younger son is completely clueless and ends up starting a risqué internet romance with a strange woman. I have to say it's one of the weirdest scenes I’ve ever witnessed (besides a few scenes from "Happiness").

I have to quote one signature line of dialog: “Forever." Hahahaha!



"Ask her if she likes bologna."

Frank Breaker

Non stop 4am wrong number booty calls

The past 3 days I have been getting these non stop 4am wrong number booty calls from some wacked drunk lady named rosetta. She keeps calling me "steve" and I keep telling her she has the wrong number. The fucking lunatic doesn't believe me! She claims I (steve) am playing "hard to get as usual"... When she called again on sunday I lost it and told her I wasn't steve BUT I'd be interested in plowing her. I also said if the lovin was good then I'd think about dating her - I'd provide her with her daily dose of anxiety attacks, sleep disturbances, paranoia, piss off her parents to no end, make her lose her job, crash her car, get her evicted from her home, get her pregnant AND make her sterile all within a month. Basically I told her my sex would destroy her life. She hung up on me...

We'll see if she calls back tonight.

*Edit: She didn't call back.

Frank Breaker

I need a text/email assistant

Goddamnit. My various inboxes are out of control. Since I don't have time to deal with them during the day at work I'm looking to hire a text/email assistant. Duties will include the following:

-reading emails/calendar reminders/texts/kik messenger messages
-filtering through emails/calendar reminders/texts/kik messenger messages
-organizing email in virtual folders
-occasional replies
-proof reading
-deleting emails/calendar reminders/texts/kik messenger messages
-deleting junk mail
-keep me alert to new emails/calendar reminders/texts/kik messenger messages

This is a part time position (tues through fri 10 am - 4pm). You must be wherever I am during these hours! The position is a non-paid internship, but the perks are excellent: free lunches (usually consisting of 1/2 of whatever I packed to eat on any given day and your own juice box), group insurance, and awesome company.

This is an excellent position for acute sycophantic hyper ambitious people with above room temperature IQ's. A superior grasp of the English language is a must.

*Edit: Please supply a photograph of yourself.

Serious applicants only.

Frank Breaker

Free Condoms

I forgot I also have 163 unused condoms to give away as well. In cegep I used to steal them like mad from the nurses office at school thinking that I'd end up becoming a bigger mack/whore than I am. Now they just remind me of my past sexual failures. Anyways they are mostly lifestyles brand so you know that they are of fine quality (durex and trojan are garbage they always break). The one snag is that they are expired. Don't plan on using these rubbers to prevent pregnancies or stds because you'll 100% either end up with child or catching aids. Or both. Seriously I cannot stress this enough! So now you're wondering what can you do with 163 unused expired prophylactics? Here's a list of fun and practical applications that I have compiled:

Balloons: Rubbers can be used as balloons - just make sure there's no semen inside. You can blow them up manually or use a helium tank.
Balloon animals: Just don't give them to any children unless you want to be taken downtown for questioning/jail time.
Water balloons: A condom can hold excess of 4 litres of of water. That's a water balloon atom bomb!
Prank your roommate: Wait till he gets really smashed and passes out. Fill the condom 1/6 with shaving cream and place the condom on his face. Or put it in his shoe.
Prank your parents: Put one over the shower head. Its like an automatic water balloon - it'll fill up with water and by the time they realize what's happening it's too late.
Prank the tax man: Put them in with your tax return.
Flotation device: Make water wings for non swimmers.
Swim faster: Put them on your hands feet like flippers when you go swimming. Put one on your head like a bathing cap to go even faster.
Protect yourself from germs: Put one over a payphone receiver to avoid touching it to your ear.
Hair tie: Nuff said.
Belt broke? Use them as makeshift suspenders.
Paint them and use them as umbrella covers.
Wet suit for a rodent or ferret.
Portable urinal: Ever feel the need to pee on a long drive but you dont want to pull over? Just pee in the condom while you drive, tie it off and throw it out the window.
Sock covers when it's wet outside.
Fill them with rocks and use them as nunchaku in a fight.
Makeshift sandbags in the event of a flood.
Change purse.

The list goes on and on... There are even a bunch of magnums in the mix from when I was trying to impress a nurse's aid at dawson. She may have been disappointed the next day but I didn't care cause I stole $20.00 and her morning gazette from her apartment on my way out. Anyways the magnums are part of the lot too. Invite a few friends over and leave one on the coffee table to provoke questions about the size of your manhood.

This dude even used a condom to make fire

Anyways if you want them let me know. I'll wrap them up in a magnum for you, seal it, mark it and leave the package on my front gallery.

Frank Breaker

1971 VS 2011

Scenario: Charles and Raymond get into a fistfight after school...

1971: Crowd gathers. Charles clocks Raymond in the lip. He wins. They shake hands and end up respecting each other.

2011: School principal calls the police. Riot squad arrives and arrests Charles, Raymond and a few innocent bystanders (all minorities). Cell phones are rolling recording the fight, the ensuing chaos and police brutality. Both gentlemen are charged with assault and suspended from school even though Raymond was the instigator. Video is uploaded to youtube before the fight is even over. Parents not concerned and both students enjoy an extended vacation at home.

Scenario: Bobby is very disruptive in class.

1971: Bobby is sent to the principals office and gets a belt whipping. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2011: Bobby is given massive doses of ritalin. Becomes a living zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra subsidy because of the disability. Bobby drops out of school in grade 11. He becomes a massive junkie and dies of a smack overdose at the age of 24.

Scenario: Carlos breaks his neighbor's window.

1971: When his dad gets home he gives Carlos a belt whipping. Carlos is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a contributing member of society.

2011 - When his dad gets home he tries to give Carlos a belt whipping. Carlos beats the christ from his dad knocking him senseless then calls the cops. Carlos dad is arrested for child abuse. Carlos is removed to foster care and joins a gang. A psychologist tells Carlos' younger sister that she must have been been abused herself but she doesn't recall because she suppressed the memory. Their dad goes to prison. Their mom has an affair with the psychologist. The psychologist gets a promotion.

Scenario: Frank brings a joint to college

1971: Frank shares the joint with his ethics professor in the smoking area. They get high and discuss course material

2011: Frank shares the joint with his ethics professor in the smoking area. Security calls the cops and Frank's car is searched for drugs and weapons. Frank is arrested for drug possession and expelled from college. The teacher gets fired and becomes a stock boy at a grocery store because it's the only job he can find.

Scenario: Harbir takes apart leftover fireworks, puts them in a bottle and blows up an anthill.

1971: Ants die.

2011 - Security and the Anti Terror Squad are called and Harbir is charged with domestic terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Harbir's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls while playing and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1971: Johnny feels better and goes back to playing.

2011: Johnny feels better and goes back to playing. Later his parents find out what happened and accuse Mary of being a sexual predator. She loses her job and faces three years in prison for sexual assault. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. He eventually becomes a sexual deviant.

*Edit: if my son ever tried calling the cops on me trust me he'd end up wishing he never made it to the egg.

Frank Breaker

Free: punk ass freezie flavors

Last night I was going through my deep freeze looking for something to eat for supper when I came across a bunch of forgotten freezies at the bottom. I need to get rid of them asap - they are taking up precious real estate in my freezer. I don't want to be wasteful by simply throwing them out... they're in great shape but they're the punkass flavors I don't like. Anyone interested? Hopefully someone contacts me and takes them off my hands... I'm also putting them up on craig's list. See image below after the description

Item: Lot of 16 freezies *Edit: as of this afternoon there are 14 (my sister and her friend ate 2)
Brand: Kisco Mr. Freeze
Size: Jumbo
Flavors: Orange (12) and purple (4) *Edit: there are 2 purple left (see above for explanation)
State: frozen and in great shape (still sealed)
Age: Approximately between 1 and 2 years. I never eat the orange or purple freezies so whenever I buy a new box those flavors just sit in my freezer.
Price: Free! All you need to do is pick them up. I'm also willing to trade for white, blue or red... Please let me know if you want them frozen or defrosted.



Crappy mr. freeze flavors
Source(s): My tastebuds.

If you have any questions please feel free to ask!

Frank Breaker

Revenge by spam

I just checked my junk mail folder and found out I have 744 messages in it.
???
How did it get so out of control? It got me curious so I did some investigating (call me lois lane) and eventually got down to the history of the term "spam" in regards to unsolicited e-mail . In the 70's the Monty Python troupe performed a skit about a restaurant where every dish contained spam. It began with a waitress reading the menu to a couple: "There's egg and spam, egg bacon and spam, egg bacon sausage and spam, spam bacon, sausage and spam, spam spam, bacon and spam, spam sausage, tomato and spam..."
A group of vikings sitting in the restaurant began yelling: "SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM!" They were loud so the waitress had to stop and tell them to shutup. This didn't faze the vikings who started singing even louder "Spam spam spam spam! Lovely spam! Wonderful spam! Spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam. Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Spam spam spam spam." They were so loud that they completely drowned the waitress out. Fast forward to the 80's... the term spamming was adopted from the skit and used to refer to newsgroup messages that were posted to multiple newsgroups (remember how awesome newsgroups were?). Since most of these were off-topic messages and ads, the term eventually came to be used for unsolicited e-mail as well.

Now back to my problem. WTF is adult friend finder and when did I sign up for it? Why do so many people think I may need to last longer in bed? Who have they been talking to?! And according to all the emails each claiming to be able to extend my poy poy by 2-3 inches conceivably I could construct myself a penis that is over a kilometer long! Interesting...

*Edit: Ok so I found out it's my sister's fault. Apparently she signed me up for adult friend finder using one of my email addresses as revenge for my pranking her with a confetti bomb 2 months ago. For those of you who don't know a confetti bomb is a device that automatically blasts someone with hole punch waste. In this case I hit her with a manual version; I filled her umbrella with a shitload of the stuff. LOL you should've seen the look on her face when she opened it up and got dusted in scrap paper!!!!! Totally worth it.



Frank Breaker

I'M FINALLY BACK!

To celebrate my return please go to the mirror and vote for me/us in the best of montreal 2011 reader's poll. Today is the last day before polls close! Here are the categories I/we would like to be nominated in (just copy/paste my name)

Montrealer Closest to Sainthood: Frank Breaker.
Ok let's face it I haven't really done anything to deserve this title but still it would be nice just to be nominated. Last year I'm sure a few of you voted for me as Montrealer Closest to Hell. Bastards.

Most Desirable Man: Frank Breaker.

Most Desirable Woman: Frank Breaker (just cause).

Best-Dressed Montrealer: Jessie Fever.

Best Blog: This one for christ's sake.

Best Bartender: My girl Stacy K (Tokyo bar). Close second would be Jess D at cafeteria... Oh and I can't forget Deborah C at bluedog (although she doesn't work there anymore she's still cool as ass)

Best Video: Labnoise.

Best Hip Hop Artist: Who else but Bad News Brown (RIP).

Best Musical Act: Paul Cargnello. And my sister's boyfriend's band the Franklin Electric.

Best Local Actor: Frank Breaker.

Best Fishmonger: Frank Breaker (again just cause).

Thankyou for your support. Remember a vote for me is a vote for yourselves!

My name isn't gloriana but you get the drift.

Frank Breaker