Awesomesauce
Frank Breaker
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Ikea Man Style
I will admit I have had a couple successful ikea ventures on separate occasions - my kitchen table which I got on liquidation and my living room table which I got 50% off. The few experiences I had after that were disasters. The last piece of furniture I bought from there was my bed. I hate putting ikea shit together. Luckily the bed came partially assembled making it much less complicated. I put the thing together on the floor (as it said to do) CORRECTLY. The first night we slept on it the fucking thing imploded on itself. Now I know this wasn't my fault - I had made sure everything was secured tightly and put together as directed. I guess that's what happens with furniture that is held together by wooden pegs (budget dowels), a handful of cheap screws and compressed wood. EDIT: what's up with compressed wood? Its is sawdust and bits of left over wood mixed with glue! It's like the "hot dog" of timber products... Cheap ass shit. We're damn lucky ikea doesn't make planes otherwise the bottoms of aircraft would fall out and the skies would be raining people. Anyways we ended up sleeping on the floor that night and the next day I used real screws and screwed that bastard bed together like it's never been screwed before. You would think the country that had vikings would make stronger shit! The ikea furniture dream was over for me. Cheap ass trash...
Fast forward 5 years. The other day Biz suggested we make an ikea run. I actually needed to get on of those wall magnets for holding knives and I heard ikea had them on the cheap so I agreed to go with. There was only one condition - we do it "man style". Instead of being forced to navigate that bullshit labyrinth we rebel and cut through the rarely used passages that connect various rooms. I mean what kind of store actually intentionally controls foot traffic by painting lines and arrows on the floor? The only things missing are a herding dog and a branding iron! Anyways the plan was simple get in, grab what we needed and get out (it was like the plan the marines had in that movie aliens). That way our ikea shopping experience time would be shaved down to10 minutes and 38 seconds which would be awesome considering the fact that ikea is normally so jam packed that the closest parking spot we would probably find would be 20 minutes away on other side of the 40 (highway).
So at 6pm we decided to roll through. Bonus - We actually found parking close to the entrance! I think the rain kept everyone away... I swear it was raining so hard I saw a cruise ship sinking by the side of the road. After finding the wall unit corner of the ikea madness biz finds something that peaks his interest.
Biz: "I like this one."
Me: "You sure your tv is going to fit?"
Biz: "Let's find out."
Bam! Out of biz's shitty cargo pants pocket come a retractable measuring tape. I've said it before and I'll say it again - this guy is a seasoned pro! He stretched it across the tv opening quickfast. No dice the opening wasn't wide enough for his 46" tv (elitist). After talking it over with a nice mega flamboyant sales clerk he finally found what he was looking for.
Out comes the golf pencil and order form to mark down the wall unit's location in the warehouse. Biz was confident we had all the information we needed. We cut through the passage way passing the cul - de - sac ikea restaurant.
Biz: Should we stop and eat?
Me: Fuck no.
We proceeded to the warehouse to find the item. Fucking bozo biz didnt write the aisle and bin numbers down correctly so we were walking around blind. Finally we find a computer and get the correct information. We grabbed biz's boxes and on our way to the check out biz decides to hit up the liquidation room. At first it looked like nothing but garbage (like that star wars deathstar trash compactor scene) until we got to the back. POW! We hit pay dirt. Tucked in the corner was biz's wall unit fully assembled and 50% off. After paying for the thing we realized we had to take it apart in the store. They gave biz 3 different sized allen keys to do the job. Incidentally why does every piece of furniture which requires assembly come with allen keys? I hate those fucking things. They aren't large enough for you to apply any serious force plus they hurt! The edges dig into your hand as you turn them leaving you with stigmata - esque injuries. Fuck that noise. I went to my car to get my drill. On my way out the door I overheard this dude arguing in french with his wife
Lady: "See that wasn't too long."
Dude: "I'm tired of goddamn furniture. I don't ever want to see furniture again."
Amen brother. I got my drill but decided waste time in my car so I wouldn't have to help biz dismantle (I know he's going to read this but I don't give a shit). I waltzed back in after 10 minutes and to my disappointment biz had made very little progress. We used my drill for a while then the battery died so I put it back in its case and set it down. 5 minutes later I notice this old dude sauntering over to the area where my drill was. He picked up the case and started to walk away with it
Me: "What the fuck put it down!"
Old Dude (in a thick accent): "Sorry I just wan boro it."
Me: "What?"
Old Dude: "I just wan BORRO it."
Me: "No."
Old dude walks away.
Me: "What the fuck was that?"
Biz: "Goddamn gypsies. Always lurking."
Finally we we get the thing dismantled. Biz left all the wooden pegs in it so they wouldn't get lost.
As we were about to leave the same old dude comes back over and starts pulling the pegs out of biz's wall unit.
Biz: "YO! What the fuck are you doing?"
Gypsy: "This must take out or they break. I help you."
Biz: "Get out of here!"
Old dude walks away.
Biz: "Fucking gypsies!"
At this point biz leaves me to keep watch over his treasure while he gets his car. 2 minutes later all I hear is squealing tires and see a car zooming through the ikea parking lot at break neck speed.
It was biz.
^^^HERO^^^We loaded his wall unit and broke the fuck out.
The end.
Frank Breaker
Friday, March 23, 2012
Fucking jehovah's witnesses are back at it
A flyer exactly like this was in my mailbox a couple days ago.
Jehovah's witnesses... The universal, annoying as fuck religion. I think everyone hates them (including other jehovah's witnesses). I mean their religious doctrine says only 144000 people will be getting into heaven right? There must be a lot of cutthroat competitiveness between members trying to ensure they get their pie in the sky. Also if they do indeed believe only 144000 are getting tickets off of this rock why would they go door to door trying to recruit new members?? You don't tell 50 people about the big show if there's only 3 seats left dude. Fucking bozos.
Anyways getting rid of them can be difficult. Trust me. Telling them you're agnostic, atheist or even a satanist doesn't work. They live for the holy thrill of conversion... Well I have the solution for you - if you want them to leave you alone you have to act bat shit crazy. Fight fire with fire! My theory: one lunatic cancels out another. Example 1 - my old roommate got accosted by one of them in the hallway of our building. While the loon was preaching my roommate kept looking around the guy. Then he stared the dude right in the eye and with a straight face asked him he had any virgins handy. Dude took off faster than an olympic sprinter with diarrhea...
Example 2 - a couple years ago one of them approached me outside my house and asked me if I wanted to attend a prayer meeting. I said no. Then he asked me if I wanted him to pray for me. I asked him in a low pitched voice how was he supposed to pray for me when I desperately needed cans of tuna fish for my water bottles? Then I asked him if he had any tuna fish on him. They never came to my door again.
So now they've resorted to leaving flyers in my mailbox??? Not on my watch. I have to nip this shit in the bud pronto. I think I'll go to the meeting advertised above and pass out my own flyers.
After that madness they'll stop hassling me for shizzle.
Frank Breaker
Jehovah's witnesses... The universal, annoying as fuck religion. I think everyone hates them (including other jehovah's witnesses). I mean their religious doctrine says only 144000 people will be getting into heaven right? There must be a lot of cutthroat competitiveness between members trying to ensure they get their pie in the sky. Also if they do indeed believe only 144000 are getting tickets off of this rock why would they go door to door trying to recruit new members?? You don't tell 50 people about the big show if there's only 3 seats left dude. Fucking bozos.
Anyways getting rid of them can be difficult. Trust me. Telling them you're agnostic, atheist or even a satanist doesn't work. They live for the holy thrill of conversion... Well I have the solution for you - if you want them to leave you alone you have to act bat shit crazy. Fight fire with fire! My theory: one lunatic cancels out another. Example 1 - my old roommate got accosted by one of them in the hallway of our building. While the loon was preaching my roommate kept looking around the guy. Then he stared the dude right in the eye and with a straight face asked him he had any virgins handy. Dude took off faster than an olympic sprinter with diarrhea...
Example 2 - a couple years ago one of them approached me outside my house and asked me if I wanted to attend a prayer meeting. I said no. Then he asked me if I wanted him to pray for me. I asked him in a low pitched voice how was he supposed to pray for me when I desperately needed cans of tuna fish for my water bottles? Then I asked him if he had any tuna fish on him. They never came to my door again.
So now they've resorted to leaving flyers in my mailbox??? Not on my watch. I have to nip this shit in the bud pronto. I think I'll go to the meeting advertised above and pass out my own flyers.
After that madness they'll stop hassling me for shizzle.
Frank Breaker
Interview of yours truly published in the march 2012 issue of "Modern Gentleman" magazine
Etiquette Of A Gentleman
In times past, a gentleman was much appreciated and being gentlemanly was a noble thing.
One only needs to take a quick glance around to notice that there are very few true gentlemen remaining among us. I happen to have the opportunity to interview such a man today - advice columnist Franklin Delano Breaker has been identified as a man of good breeding and taste and it will be refreshing to hear what he has to say.
Modern Gentleman: Every woman seeks to meet a true gentleman right?
Frank Breaker: A gentleman need not reveal himself. With that said, I wish you good day madam. Just kidding. Um yeah I suppose so.
Modern Gentleman: Are you a slave to good etiquette?
Frank Breaker: I'm sorry what? I wasn't listening... who's that chick over there?
Modern Gentleman: That's the coffee girl.
Frank Breaker: Can she interview me instead of you? No offence but your lazy eye is distracting.
Coffee Girl: Let's see. The next question they have here is... ok do you believe in chivalry?
Frank Breaker: You mean when a dude holds the door open for chicks and stuff? Absolutely. Now let me ask you a question - can I borrow 5 bucks quickfast? I think that dude is selling food.
Coffee Girl: Haha. You're funny!
Frank Breaker: Okay... I guess that's a no.
Coffee Girl: This one's a bit naughty. What color boxers do you have on right now?
Frank Breaker: None.
Coffee Girl: None isn't a colo... Oh.
Frank Breaker: You know what's up! Awesomesauce.
Coffee Girl: Yes I do haha! Ok um... do you ever watch pornography?
Frank Breaker: Where are you going with this you cheeky monkey? Do I ever watch pornography? No! I'm insulted you would even ask that.
Coffee Girl: Um...
Frank Breaker: Just kidding. Dude I have so much porn on my laptop it's too heavy for me to lift by myself.
Coffee Girl: What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Frank Breaker: Unsliced bread. No wait! Tits. Yeah tits. Before and after sliced bread.
Coffee Girl: All those fraud cases against your brother, are they true?
Frank Breaker: What in god's worth are you talking about?
Coffee Girl: Sorry wrong card. Do you enjoy your celebrity star status?
Frank Breaker: What? I don't have a celebrity status. Are you drunk? That card doesn't say that does it? Let me see.
Coffee Girl: No.
Frank Breaker: Let me see!
Coffee Girl: Let go of me!
Frank Breaker: Dude! These cards are blank! What's wrong with you?
Coffee Girl: ...
Frank Breaker: I think I want the other girl back please.
Modern Gentleman: Well, well, well. Did you have fun?
Frank Breaker: Shut up with your droopy undroopy eyelids. Let's finish this please.
Modern Gentleman: Rude! Okay... Do you have any pets?
Frank Breaker: Yes. I have a dog.
Modern Gentleman: Do you ever speak to your dog?
Frank Breaker: I try but I don't speak Spanish. And since he doesn't speak English most of the time we just end up staring at each other.
Modern Gentleman: Do you work out?
Frank Breaker: Nope. The body you see here is a product of Jamaican patties and Gin. I'm actually quite lazy. For example I actually have a back up remote for my tv just in case I misplace the first one and don't feel like looking for it.
Modern Gentleman: Do you like children?
Frank Breaker: I love chicken.
Modern Gentleman: Not chicken. Children!
Frank Breaker: Oh. Yeah children are alright. I was a children once and I liked me.
Modern Gentleman: Do you have any special skills?
Frank Breaker: Well let's see... I'm really good at driving in reverse.
Modern Gentleman: That's like saying you're not good at much.
Frank Breaker: This interview is over. Fuckface.
Frank Breaker*Self Proclaimed Gentleman
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
My Garbage Man is Garbage
I hate the trash collection service in my neighborhood. Here are 5 reasons why
1) Why does it seem that the trucks are louder than normal? This morning I got woken up by the loudest piece of shit garbage truck of life. It sounded like optimus prime was taking a shit outside my goddamn window.
2) Why does the bastard truck have to back up traffic on coolbrook street? Dudes you and I both know you don't need to take up the entire lane. There's plenty of room for you to pull over and let cars pass. But you won't so I know I'll be late for work. Again.
3) At least 2 -3 times a month after collection I still find trash and shit in the bottom of the goddamn can. What's the point of even trying?
4) Whenever I get a new trash can the lid always "disappears" within a week or 2. I'm convinced it's because the bastards throw the lids out so they don't have to fuck with them.
5) Why is it that my trash can can never be placed vertically on the curb in front of my house or even gently tossed on the side? The lazy pieces of shit always pitch my cans wherever they please. Tossed aside like unwanted children... It's sad.
72% In the street
23% Beside my car
5% In my neighbor's yard
I know what you're asking yourselves - are these percentages accurate? The answer is no. They are made up statistics that I find best measure the "excellent" service I receive from my friendly neighborhood waste management professionals.
Fucking bastards.
Maybe I could leave them a note? Something like
Dear fuck faces,
Do you mind not throwing my trash cans anymore? Do you not realize it actually takes more effort to throw them than simply dropping them on the curb? Trust. Your sore muscles will thank me.
Regards
A friendly citizen
Hm... on second thought maybe not. They would probably chuck a can through my window. I think I'll put the note on my neighbor's can. That way the trash men will get the message while my neighbor suffers their wrath. He's a shithead anyway.
Although I hate trash men I do admit this is epic:
The funniest is even though he's pissed beyond belief he still proceeds to pick up every single scrap of paper that falls out of the mailbox. Jokes.
Watch the video again - this time set to guile's theme. Tell me he doesn't look like a hero!
Frank Breaker
1) Why does it seem that the trucks are louder than normal? This morning I got woken up by the loudest piece of shit garbage truck of life. It sounded like optimus prime was taking a shit outside my goddamn window.
2) Why does the bastard truck have to back up traffic on coolbrook street? Dudes you and I both know you don't need to take up the entire lane. There's plenty of room for you to pull over and let cars pass. But you won't so I know I'll be late for work. Again.
3) At least 2 -3 times a month after collection I still find trash and shit in the bottom of the goddamn can. What's the point of even trying?
4) Whenever I get a new trash can the lid always "disappears" within a week or 2. I'm convinced it's because the bastards throw the lids out so they don't have to fuck with them.
5) Why is it that my trash can can never be placed vertically on the curb in front of my house or even gently tossed on the side? The lazy pieces of shit always pitch my cans wherever they please. Tossed aside like unwanted children... It's sad.
72% In the street23% Beside my car
5% In my neighbor's yard
I know what you're asking yourselves - are these percentages accurate? The answer is no. They are made up statistics that I find best measure the "excellent" service I receive from my friendly neighborhood waste management professionals.
Fucking bastards.
Maybe I could leave them a note? Something like
Dear fuck faces,
Do you mind not throwing my trash cans anymore? Do you not realize it actually takes more effort to throw them than simply dropping them on the curb? Trust. Your sore muscles will thank me.
Regards
A friendly citizen
Hm... on second thought maybe not. They would probably chuck a can through my window. I think I'll put the note on my neighbor's can. That way the trash men will get the message while my neighbor suffers their wrath. He's a shithead anyway.
Although I hate trash men I do admit this is epic:
The funniest is even though he's pissed beyond belief he still proceeds to pick up every single scrap of paper that falls out of the mailbox. Jokes.
Watch the video again - this time set to guile's theme. Tell me he doesn't look like a hero!
Frank Breaker
Friday, March 9, 2012
Sunday, March 4, 2012
The cure for stupidity remains elusive
Stupidity is on the rise. According to a recent statistical report (that I created) there has been a dramatic increase in the number of brainless people walking the earth. Here are my results:
Fucking crack pot.
EDIT: She's cheating! SHE HAS TWO LARGE FLOATATION DEVICES. I honestly thought one of her Mer Mams was gonna pop out for a second.
EDIT: Insert corny Bonya-esque joke - "I wonder what the pay 'scale' for being a mermaid is?"
Tomorrow I'm quitting my job to pursue my dream of becoming a robot. In preparation I'm going to swallow a gang of wires, microchips and batteries at lunch.
...
Forget the robot idea. I have a feeling ingesting batteries will have a negative effect on my body. Instead I've decided to become a centaur. Ladies looooove centaurs.
When I'm a centaur I'm going to stomp all mermaids out.
Hobby fail.
Frank Breaker *Mermaid Stompa
International Stupidity Trend
NOTE: According to experts (myself) close to 1/3 of the world's population (32.7%) has gotten stupider over the past 20 years.
NOTE: No country presented in the 2012 data had a prevalence of stupidity less than 20%.
NOTE: Adjustments have been made variable factors such as globalization, inflation, solar flares, taco tuesdays, global warming, Daylight Savings Time and daytime talk shows.
Simple enough the growing trend is partly due to intelligent people having less children than the obtuse. According to me most dummies grow up, fuck other dummies without rubbers, have unwanted pregnancies, and fuck some more. Then their dimwitted offspring repeat the cycle. It needs to stop! Let's take care of this shit before it gets too far out of control. We need more chlorine in the gene pool folks! My suggestion is a long term solution that will bring positive results - let's stop putting obvious warning labels on dangerous products. Accidents are bound to happen more frequently and thick headed folk will eventually die off.
Example:
"Mermaiding is a fandom in which a woman (or more rarely a man) either buys or makes a mermaid tail for the purpose of swimming in pools, lakes, or just posing on the rocks, usually while being photographed."
WTF?! Why would you do this? Even worse why would you tell people about it? Who came up with this fuckery?
Here's the articleWTF?! Why would you do this? Even worse why would you tell people about it? Who came up with this fuckery?
"An Australian woman has left her job to pursue her real dream of becoming a mermaid.
After seeing a video online on 'mermaiding,' Mermaid Ayla (as she introduces herself) was inspired to create her own tail, purchase a monofin and learn the all-important dolphin kick, necessary for any budding mermaid."
As Mermaid Ayla mentions in the video, there are hundreds of people around the world who spend their free time as mermaids and mermen, swimming in pools and open bodies of water (a quick search for "mermaiding" on youtube will give you an idea of how they do it). Many also train themselves to be more mermaid-like by holding their breath in order to stay under water longer. While the community of merfolk in the world isn't very large, they are a well-connected and active group. Mermaids and mermen can be found connecting online at MerNetwork where they share tips on making and buying tails, as well as discussing community events like the annual MerConvention (MerCon for short) in Las Vegas. During MerCon, the group will honour merfolk with the World Mermaid Awards, held for the first time last year."
WTF?! They have conventions? Incidentally shouldn't merfolk hold their conferences somewhere on the beach close to water? Las Vegas is in the middle of the desert. Fools can't even get that right. FAIL. And this lady actually quit her job for this shit??? She needs a reality check upside the head pronto!
Fucking crack pot.
EDIT: She's cheating! SHE HAS TWO LARGE FLOATATION DEVICES. I honestly thought one of her Mer Mams was gonna pop out for a second.
EDIT: Insert corny Bonya-esque joke - "I wonder what the pay 'scale' for being a mermaid is?"
Tomorrow I'm quitting my job to pursue my dream of becoming a robot. In preparation I'm going to swallow a gang of wires, microchips and batteries at lunch.
...
Forget the robot idea. I have a feeling ingesting batteries will have a negative effect on my body. Instead I've decided to become a centaur. Ladies looooove centaurs.
When I'm a centaur I'm going to stomp all mermaids out.
Hobby fail.
Frank Breaker *Mermaid Stompa
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