Ask Frank: Dating and Sex Advice

Hey Frank - This guy at work has been eating my yogurts out of the common fridge. The other day I caught him red handed but he lied and said his girlfriend brought it in for him... I'm too shy to confront him but when I get home it's all I can think about. What should I do?

Sounds like either you're passive aggressive or a giant panzy. You should plow his girlfriend. Or stop bringing in yogurt.

Hey Frank - I recently decided to change from pads to tampons. What brand should I use?

I would go with tampax pearl. Don't pearls grow in clams as well as oysters? Sounds like a natural fit to me...

Hey Frank - Why does my husband think it’s OK to force my head down while I'm giving him head?

Because he's trying to kill you sweetheart! To stop him you need to get a divorce and change your life insurance pronto. Replace his name for some generic name until you find a replacement. Let's see... what's a good name to use for the time being? Got it! Put "frank breaker"wherever his name appears.

Hey Frank - Sometimes when I pee steam comes out of my penis hole. What is the cause?

The steam heat that come out is actually magic smoke. It means you're a witch! Like that gandolf dude. The next girl you sex will probably birth to a dragon.

Hey Frank - Every year my wife makes out with Santa. It predates our relationship - she told me about it when we first started dating. It's her annual guilty pleasure and she refuses to stop. I told her I didn’t mind cause I thought we’d get better presents. Last year our son caught my wife kissing Santa underneath the christmas tree. He's confused. What can I tell him?

Tell him your wife is a hooker and full up her stocking with coal.

Hey Frank - During rigorous sex I accidentally rammed my wife's anus. How do I prevent it from happening again?

Jesus! I feel for you man... I never understood why the hershey factory is so close to the hot pocket. My suggestion is to use duct tape.

Hey Frank - Why don't I feel anything when I wear a condom?

Because they are made out of the same shit they make bullet proof vests from.

Hey Frank - I think I might have sex with a girl soon but I don't know what to do. We just started sex ed class. Any tips?

As homework you should watch a pornography and in class show and tell some of the sweeter moves on the first aid doll.

Hey Frank - I want to order a fleshlight but I don't want my parents to see the box and find out. If I ask will they wrap my package up in plain brown paper?

If they wrap your package up you don't need the goddamn fleshlight.

Hey Frank - My boyfriend likes girls with a lot of hair down "there". Should I grow mine out?

Your boyfriend suffers from hirsutophilia. Personally I don't like hairy vag but to each his own. Go ahead! If you love him why not dread your bojingo? Or for a quicker option glue on some hair extensions.

Hey Frank - My dog keeps humping my girlfriend's leg whenever she comes over. Why?

Because he's trying to show you how it's done. He's a true playa son!

Hey Frank - My girlfriend likes me to ask her hot questions while having sex. What are some sensual things I can ask?

Boy did you came to the right place for this! The next time you start jamming whisper any of the following sweetness into her ear:

-Is your mom/sister hot?
-Do you have gas?
-Have you ever thought of a boob job?
-What's that smell?
-What's your name again?
-Did/can you wash under your boobs?
-Can I make a quick phone call?
-Do I have a porn star penis?

Hey Frank - What are the effects if a vagina has not been penetrated in over 2 years?

It gets dusty and grows cobwebs.

Frank Breaker *Sex and Dating Specialist

Decline in Male Public Restroom Etiquette

Decline in Male Public Restroom Etiquette

Technology has greatly contributed to the cross pollination of cultures with the creation of a global village. We are tightly bound together through communication networks, and the advance of technology is allowing for faster and more efficient transportation networks. In my opinion this proliferation is the direct cause of the decline in male public restroom etiquette. I mean why is it no one these days seems to follow the rules while in the can? The following serves as a refresher for or those of you who have forgotten the standards that were put forth by our forefathers.

When you walk into the restroom please observe the following process:

GET IN

DO YOUR BUSINESS AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE

WASH YOUR HANDS

GET OUT

It's all about efficiency gentlemen. The next time you make use of a public restroom please make sure that you put your conceptual “man hat” on and avoid engaging in any of the following behavior:

Urinal Talkers: Strangers/co workers who feel the need to engage in conversation while emptying their bladders. I'm in there to tcob (take care of business), not have some lively, devil may care conversation about the weather or last weekend’s shenanigans. Dude I’m holding my dick trying to imagine a happier place than a filthy ass restroom. You should do the same. Understand the can is not a place to mingle and make new friends goddamnit. I believe in some societies it's actually common place to shoot urinal talkers where they stand (*see illustration above). NOTE: there is only one situation when talking is tolerated - after accidentally farting you may excuse yourself to the rest of the restroom occupants.

New Neighbors: If I’ve taken the first or last urinal/stall under no circumstance are you allowed to take the next urinal/stall beside me! There must be a buffer zone between us. If there is no other urinal/stall then you should wait for a vacancy. There's no need to crowd me when I’m pissing… If I see your shoes in the stall or feel your stank breath on my neck at the urinal I'm going to make sure to pee on your pants.

Stall Talkers: People that talk to you from within a stall. They are more annoying than urinal talkers because they converse between grunts. NOTE: there is only one situation when talking is tolerated - after accidentally farting you may excuse yourself to the rest of the restroom occupants.

Courtesy Flush: Should require no further explanation. Please use this procedure to limit your stink dookie aroma out of courtesy for other restroom occupants. We don’t need to smell the expelled tacitos and salsa you had for lunch.

Phone Talkers: Texting on the can is fine but don’t be the guy who takes/makes phone calls while doing his business. Whatever the subject matter of the phone call it can wait until you reach the sink.

Creepers: Self explanatory. These pervs look through the stall cracks to catch a glimpse of your action. If you catch one smash him in his grill with the stall door. NOTE: Most of the time a creeper grows up to be a glory holer.

Shiss Fingers: (Shiss = shit and piss) – These are the unhygienic assholes who don’t wash their hands after using the facilities. Come on man! Now all the bacteriums from your dick and anal are all over your hands. Then you walk out of the can touching everything in sight getting aids all over the door handle, the bus, your food, your cat, your mom, your money, your girlfriends face etc… Bravo hero.

Edit - Even worse than the shiss fingers assholes are the fraudulent sloshers - the bastards who turn the water on slosh their hands around in the water and leave the restroom without ever touching the soap.

Start respecting the rules you bastards.

Frank Breaker

This tattoo is chock full of fail

"Tat my name on you so I know it's real
Tat my fuckin name on you so I know it's real
I know it hurts, but I ain't tryna hear it
Cause when I'm not around, I still be there in spirit"

Drake

Check out superfan over here - can you believe this space cadet actually walked into a tattoo parlor, chose a font and had "drake" tattooed across her forehead??? She paid to have this done! She got her 15 minutes of fame and a lil bit of drake attention, but now what? It doesn't get much realer than this... She should celebrate with a glass of bleach.

Honestly this fails on all levels in life. I guess you can say she gave drake some head hahahaha

She was ugly anyways. The tattoo ups her value.

Frank Breaker

*Edit: Is she really that thick headed or is this a ploy so she can sue drake blind for influencing her?

Public sex FAIL

Most people like their sex in somewhat normal places. Personally I likes my sex at home. My bed's comfy as hell, I'm usually already buck naked and I can go to sleep right after. BONUS - I'm close to the kitchen so I can make a sandwich or some tacitos if I feel peckish. Chairs and sofas can be cool to... in fact there's a lot of places that are decent - anywhere in the house, on the house, under the house, in your boys house, in a log house, in your parents house, in a beach house, in a farmhouse, in a warehouse, in a hen house, a dog house, an outhouse (blech! fuck no), a nut house, in the white house, a light house, at colombia house, on a plane, a train, an automobile, the batmobile, the oscar meyer mobile, a cab, a balloon, a hotel, motel, holiday inn (say what), atlantis, space, etc... Why public sex? Some folks think that boning at home is boring. Some like to get back to nature which just means they're so gung ho ready to go they get down wherever they get a chance. It could also be that they just want to spice up their sex lives or maybe they get off on the risk of getting caught. Maybe they like the idea of being watched... But for the life of me I can't understand how these two fools can get down like this! Check this out - these 2 fiends started to jam in the subway train and were told by fellow passengers it was inappropriate to plow on the floor. So the "respectable" couple got off at the next stop and proceeded to bump uglys on the subway platform. Even homeless people have the good sense to fuck BEHIND dumpsters not in them... . Nasty with a capital N. On what planet is it cool to plunk your naked fat ass onto the dirty piss and puke stained metro floor to plow? You know nobody washes that shit! How horny can you possibly be????? Now you got e.coli, salmonella, shigella and methicillin-resistant staph aureus all up in your sex organs playas! High five.

And to top things off this debauchery happened in toronto. The cops eventually came and busted up the fuckfest. I say they should have at least let them finish - if the dude came with the thunder they might have tipped over the edge vagina first onto the 3rd rail. Then they'd have to rename the station the "smoked salmon" stop.You know... cause of the smell. Public sex FAIL

Frank Breaker

Free: Several sand wasps nests - sand wasps included

This summer I discovered the sandbox at my work was infested with sand wasps (known as bembix speciosis to the nerds out there). My mom still doesn't believe me - her reasoning? "Bees don't live underground". What kind of BS argument is that? They're not bees Ma! I even had to resort to bringing in a specialist (i.e exterminator) to break it down but the idiot still wouldn't listen. Fuck it I figured I was on my own at that point. The exterminator told me the first step to try was pouring soapy water on the sand. So thats what I did - I spent about 2 hours drowning the bastards in gallons of that shit which took care of the problem for approx. 2 months. In late september the assholes came back. Apparently the next step is to dig up the nests and haul them away. Fuck that noise! I'm not digging shit. So I've decided to give the nests away to anyone out in the internets who is interested. I need these bastards out of here pronto before the ground freezes! I don't want to deal with it again next year. Right now they're all down in the ground sleeping off the summer but if you plant them in your yard next summer you can train them to make honey for you. Mmm Mmm! Goddamn doesn't that sound good?

Item: Lot of several sand wasp nests
Brand: Bembix speciosis (black and white with bright green eyes)
Size: Various
Flavors: Waspy
Age: Who knows
Price: Free! All you need to do is pick them up before the ground freezes

I have a few stipulations for this lot

1) You must also take the sand
2) I will not help dig, load or deliver shit
3) I have no clue how many sand wasps there are in each nest - you get what you get. No guarantees

Free: 12 empty beer bottles and 1 beer can

Free box of 12 assorted beer bottles and one beer can. None of them are mine and I don't intend on keeping them - to me they're about as useful as a fistfull of assholes. I suspect that each one was abandoned on my property by their owners within the last 3 months. I discovered them hiding under my hedge while raking my yard a few weeks ago. All of the bottles are in prime condition with their labels intact (no one used the labels as "free sex" coupons...). I have personally inspected for defects, removed all beer remnants, cigarette butts/lemon pieces, washed, buffed and polished each one of them carefully. I have to be honest and mention that the beer can was a victim of misfortune and was "slightly" dented by my rake - this was an unfortunate accident. In my opinion it's a superficial blemish and I'm fairly certain with a little bit of love and old fashioned elbow grease it can be buffed out. But if you're an aluminum can connoisseur perhaps this lot is not for you. See image below after the description

Item: Lot of 12 beer bottles and 1 beer can
Brand: Assorted - molson canadian (bottle and can), labatt 50, baltika, steam whistle, griffon rousse, mike's hard lemonade, boreale blonde, tank house ale, innis & gunn, moosehead, michelob, and muskoka
Size: 341 mL. The can is 710 ml
Flavors: I assume an assorted variety of malt, hops, yeast, maize, wheat, rice, rye, and oat
State: Empty
Age: Who knows
Price: Free! All you need to do is pick them up before trash day.



Ordinarily I would just put them out for recycling but lately my elderly next door neighbor has taken to fucking with any trash I put on the curb. Mind you this behavior is not due to a penchant for garbage picking/recycling - she does it cause she's crazier than a shit house rat. True story! The other day I saw her picking leaves out of my front hedge. She even ate a few! Anyways the bottles are all in an empty cardboard box on my front gallery. The box is labeled "puppies"but just to let you know there are only bottles inside so don't be disappointed when you open the box and a puppy doesn't jump out and lick your face. If no one picks them up by next tuesday I'll risk putting them on the curb. Maybe I can bring them to a shelter?

Frank Breaker