Ask Frank: Fast Food Edition

Hey Frank - What kind of fast food restaurants do you like?

The only fast food restaurant I frequent these days is 5 guys. If you've never heard about 5 guys you better ask somebody - It's wicked. In comparison no other fast food seems palatable... A 5 guys burger can raise the dead from the grave.

Over the years I've had the opportunity to review many fast food spots. Here's the first part of my list of joints to skip

Taco Bell - Also known as "Taco Hell" (where evil tacos go once they've passed on). The menu consists of North American adapted or bastardized "mexican" food. This shit is real bad and has constantly gotten worse over the years. Somebody please get this message to the corporate heads - topping mystery meat with sour cream and salsa then wrapping it in a tortilla does not make it tasty. I recently read that the meat content is actually only 35% beef - the rest is fillers. No wonder my stomach checks out whenever I eat there. According to the internets the taco bell chihuahua "gidget" died in 2009 of a stroke. I'm sure it's related to the food she endorsed...
True story - I once went to the drive through and the idiot at the microphone actually asked me "for here or to go". Insert your own diarrhea joke here. The only requirements for employees of taco bell is they posses a lack of self respect and brain power.

Long John Silver - (Warning * may cause rectal injuries) my boy wattson and I were driving from orlando back to montreal a few years ago and stopped at this trash bin of a restaurant in virginia. Their "specialty" is battered marine animal (battered fish, battered shrimp, etc), battered chicken, and after eating there I have to add battered stomach to the list. We had to stop at almost every rest stop between virginia and montreal so he could batter the toilets (add this to the battered items list). At one point I seriously thought I was going to have to take him to the E.R. This was the first "shitting across america" roadtrip incident.

*EDIT - I think the place is run by pirates.

^Wattson^

McDonalds - Large contributor to the american obesity juggernaut and needs no description. The food has the most acrid aftertaste - In fact I imagine it's what an infected vagina must taste like. My boy Finger claims everytime he goes there he leaves satisfied... I'm positive he doesn't even eat the food and just frequents the McGloryhole in the McBathroom.

^Ronald McDonald bugging out when you don't eat his food^

BP gas station - Finger and his girl decided to buy pizza from after we stopped off for gas in south carolina on our way to florida. Who eats gas station pizza?????????? Let alone at 3 am? To top things off they are both lactose intolerant and we still had 8 hours of driving left... FML.

Waffle house - Shitty breakfast food served up hot and gross. I ate there once and before even eating my meal I decided it wasn't for me. Incidentally the waffle house came complete with the obligatory burned out letter in their sign. This one said "affle house". How appropriate.

Tiki Ming - North American adapted Chinese fast food. The last time I ate there the girl at the cash looked exactly like kung fu panda (probably smelled like him too). I ordered chow mein and I got boiled cabbage bullshit! Everything on my plate tasted like the color brown doused in salt. After I had to lie down because it felt like the food was digesting ME.

I'm pretty sure I tasted death that day...

Roy Rogers - Hamburger/fries joint with greasy pre cooked food. When I got my food it looked like they gave me a paper bag of hot trash. Don't eat there unless you have a cast iron stomach. Plus the employees smell like horses.

Arby's - Blech! <----- Puke noise. Nuff' said.

KFC - Fried chicken in various forms. KFC used to be the bomb back in the day (remember toonie tuesdays???) but now it's just 11 herbs and spices, 5 kinds of dirt, foot stirred batter, more dirt, 2 kinds of rooster ejaculat, that pinkish grease from Ghostbusters 2, beaks and chicken. And now they have this double down sandwich??? Bacon and cheese sandwiched between two pieces of fried chicken - 540 calories, 30 grams of fat and 1,740 milligrams of sodium. That's fucked up. And yet my boy prez still wants to try it. Yeah ok buddy see you in the emergency room!

Kentucky Fried Caca.

Stay tuned for more restaurant bashing.



Frank Breaker

Ask Frank

I'm back! How about a round of applause for my guest blogger mr. Ron Burgundy!

On to the business at hand...

Hey Frank - Why does my mom always screw up the punchline of every joke?

Because she's probably dumb. My mom screws up jokes too. Here's the last one she told me

My mom: "Haha I heard a good joke on the radio about the different types of sex. They are newlywed sex, um... hallway sex and courtroom sex. Newly wed sex is when you're new to your relationship and have sex whenever you can. Speaking of newlyweds did you know that your cousin andrew go married 2 months ago? He married the girl and he only knew for 4 months! Between you me and the wall I don't think that marriage is going to work out. According to your auntie his wife is only after his money then we both laughed because he has none... Oh yes the joke. Where was I? Oh yes hallway sex. Hallway sex is when you and your spouse pass in the hallway and you tell each other "screw you!" Hahahaha. Will you remind me to tell dad that the hallway light is still burnt out? Can you believe this? 2 weeks and he hasn't changed it. I swear the man does it to me on purpose... And don't even get me started on the toilet in the downstairs bathroom! It runs all the time! You would think he'd notice since he's always sitting on it. Maybe he needs more fiber? Don't blueberries have a lot of fiber? I could pick blueberries of the bush in the backyard for him to eat with cereal in the morning instead of his poached eggs and toast. He eats too many damn eggs! That's probably why he can't push his stuff out easily. I always hear him grunting away and 15 minutes later he comes out of the toilet with sweat on his forehead and his car magazine under his arm... Oh yes and last there's courtroom sex where your spouse and their lawyer screw you out of every dime you have.

I was stuck in a car with her when she told me this one. Longest 1/2 hour of my life.

Hey Frank - Is it alright to have leftover cake for breakfast?

Sure willy wonka. Why don't you wash it down with a slice of pie too?

Hey Frank - I work as a waitress in a restaurant. How do I get better tips? I've tried everything I can think of...

Tell your boss the client tipped you 100% on the meal but skipped him paying the food. It's bound to work at least one time...

Hey Frank - What's better gay people or religious people?

Gay people of course. They win - religious people are boring as shit.

Hey Frank - I'm a dude - Is it wrong for me to run from bees even though I'm not allergic?

There's nothing wrong with men running from bees even if they aren't allergic! I mean I'm not allergic to bullets but believe you me I'll take it up to 88mph and book it if I hear a gunshot.

Hey Frank - How many homes were destroyed by hurricane katrina?

http://www.blogger.com/www.google.com

Hey Frank - What kind of interesting fish live in australia?

Sharks and shrimps.

Hey Frank - Why does my car's engine still run after I removed the key?

Cause its a piece of garbage. Throw it in the trash.

Hey Frank - How do you clean tarnished jewelery

I know a guy. Send all your jewelery to me. I'll return it to you within 5 business days.

Trust me.

Hey Frank - What were the first colonies in the USA?

Nebraska, Nebulon, Salvador, Coruscant, Deadman's Cay, New York, Utah, and Mars.

Hey Frank - What do people in the middle east eat for dessert?

Fried sand. With honey.

Hey Frank - How many albums did diana ross sell?

Billions. She's badass.

(This one was asked by my girl) Hey Frank - My boyfriend says you can make a wish with a pubic hair just like with an eyelash. Is that true?

Yes. Wish away my little shining star!

Frank Breaker

Ask Frank (guest written by the great Ron Burgundy)

I'm Ron Burgundy (as if you didn't know). Frank Breaker couldnt be here today so he asked me to guest write his advice column today. So loosen your tie, grab a scotch and enjoy.

Hey Frank Ron - I've been having problems maintaining my erection during intercourse with the missus. I've been contemplating cialis or viagra but I'm afraid of the serious side effect of temporary blindness and hearing loss. What should I do?

Blindness and hearing loss????????? Christ how big does that stuff make your penis that you're poking out eyes and ears? Personally I don't need help in that "area" if you know what I mean. I'm a man that maintains erections that have the strength of steel and iron. That's what kind of man I am. Your penis is made out of paper towel.

Hey Frank Ron - I read in cosmo that one of the best “hot spots” to grab the man of your dreams is the applestore. Is this true?

This question is stupid. You sound fat.

Edit: I actually like bigger ladies. Give me a call 439 0116

PS: Cosmopolitan is for hookers and idiots.

Hey Frank Ron - Should I become a vegetarian? I've heard it's the best way to reduce one's carbon footprint. I really care about the environment.

If you become a vegetarian you will be eating the environment. Rather than cutting down trees for your nourishment have a steak instead. I love steak. I'm eating one right now. Steaky, steak, steak. Here it goes down, down into my belly...

Hey Frank Ron - My boyfriend's penis smells bad. How do I tell him without him getting upset?

Don't tell him just dust it with air freshener. Or buy febreeze condoms. If they don't exist I'm putting a patent on them right now.

Hey Frank Ron - By chance would you happen to know who invented Fahrenheit?

Fahrenheit sometimes spelled "farrenhite" was invented in 1893 by the the Scottish architect and scholar Ivo Shandor. He was also a doctor. And the inventor of scotch. You know all of this is true because the last time I looked in the dictionary, my name was Ron Burgundy.

Hey Frank Ron - What makes a castle unique?

The type of moat monster it has on payroll.

Hey Frank Ron - Do you want to do more or less repetitions and sets for muscle gain?

If you want to be buff like me then you do not hesitate to do it all. Once you reach my level you can sell tickets to the gun show with confidence.

Hey Frank Ron - How big is 320 gb

Huge. As big as North Dakota. At least.

Hey Frank Ron - Are hickies fun?

Only when they are on your penis.

Hey Frank Ron - I lost my car keys. What should I do?

You should "lose" your car too. I know a guy - call me 439 0116

Hey Frank Ron - What does "cultural exchange" mean?

Cultural exchange is when you have sex with a foreigner like an Asian chick.

Hey Frank Ron - Who did Marie Curie's daughter marry?

Irène Curie is my grandmother and the source of my incredible brain power. She married my grandfather Horatio Larjesse Burgundy at the pristine Chapel of Love in Bloomington, Minnesota. Oh what a glorious ceremony it was! There were flowers, cake and men dressed in the finest trousers and sports coats.

Stay classy Montreal

Ron Burgundy