Breaker's Greetings

Frank Breaker

Explain this bullshit!

If you don't see it I can't help you.

Frank Breaker

*Edit: seems some people are having trouble getting this. The name of the restaurant is Panda Garden. The logo is a drawing of a koala bear.

Ask Frank

Hey Frank - Should I have a baby after 40?
Penny

Dear Penny,
I don't think you should. 40 babies is enough.

Hey Frank - Someone just told me to check myself before I wreck myself. What does this mean? 
Charlie

Dear Charlie
It's actually check yourself before you shrek yourself. It means if you don't curb your talk shit attitude you'll turn into a fat green ogre.

Hey Frank - My son is wetting the bed. I tried rubbing his nose in it and hitting him with a newspaper but nothing works. Do you have any advice?

Marcela

Dear Marcela

It's called urine indication. He's just marking his territory. Having him neutered will solve the problem.

Hey Frank - What would You do for a klondike bar?
Mike

Dear Mike
I would go to the store and buy one.

Hey Frank - Do the words "broth" and "brothel" have anything to do with one another?
Taki

Dear Taki
The short answer is yes. The long answer is no.

Hey Frank - Is it pronounced "potato" or "potato"?
Tunde

Dear Tunde
The first one.

Hey Frank - My sister has a pet bald eagle. It attacks us all the time - how can we make it happy?
France

Dear France
Get it a prescription for generic rogaine (generic is cheaper). Bald eagles have anger issues because of the hair loss. Or buy it a toupée.

Hey Frank - If superman is faster than a speeding bullet what changes now that Usain Bolt is the fastest man alive?
Marco

Dear Marco
It means that Usain Bolt CAN'T be shot. He was trained that way - you know how they use a starter's pistol at track events? That's an homage to the origins of the sport. Back in the day the people used to shoot real pistols at the athletes. Hence the need for them to "sprint"...

Hey Frank - My girl says she's going to yogert class but all she does is stretching and never eats no yogert. What's the deal?
Chad

Dear Chad
She is learning how to eat "yogurt" the way it was originally intended. The stretch poses are actually positions to hold so the yogurt bypasses the stomach and goes directly into the intestines to clean them out. That's why people are talking so much about probiotics these days.

Source(s): My brain 

Hey Frank - I've read your posts about religion. Since you're an atheist what will you say to God when he picks you up and throws you out of Heaven?
Jaqueline

Dear Jackass Jaqueline
I would say "lift with your knees".

PS: I wouldn't exactly classify myself as an atheist per se. I just don't give a fuck. 

 


Hey Frank - Could you keep the noise to a bare minimum? I'm trying to sleep.
Lili

Dear Lili 
I need to dance!

Hey Frank - Why does my dog look at me weird when he defecates?
Sam

Dear Sam
Because you're looking right at him. Don't you like privacy when you poo?

Hey Frank - Is Soy milk Spanish for I am milk?
Pamela

Dear Pamela
Yes.

Hey Frank - Why do I cry whenever I cut onions?
Niv

Dear Niv
I imagine it's because you're suffering from some deep seated emotional trauma involving onions. Were you assaulted by an onion as a child? You should probably see a specialist. I recommend the dude in the produce section at costco.

Hey Frank - Why do all strippers smell/taste the same
Marcus

Dear Marcus
Because they all drink the same tears and bathe in the same sink.

Hey Frank - Have you ever been caught looking at women's breasts? 
Joe

Dear Joe
All the time. It's ok - it's 2013 and it's all about making oneself happy. 

Hey Frank - 01100001 01110010 01100101 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01100110 01101100 01110101 01100101 01101110 01110100 00100000 01101001 01101110 00100000 01100010 01101001 01101110 01100001 01110010 01111001 00100000 01100011 01101111 01100100 01100101?
Mother

Dear Mother
01111001 01100101 01110011 

Frank Breaker

Lost Cat

I lost my cat somewhere in Montreal.

Name: Dave Meowthews
Last Seen: In NDG on Monkland Avenue
Reward: A firm handshake.

*PLEASE NOTE: I, Franklin Delano Breaker, accept NO liability for any injuries sustained in any attempt to apprehend said cat.

Frank Breaker

Explain this bullshit!

Frank Breaker

The fuck card

Print it!

Frank Breaker

Potential winner of the 2013 Artificial Vagina Best Video of Life Award

Straight from the artificial vagina Montreal office comes a video that has shut the internet down for me today. This could be the 2013 winner of the Artificial Vagina Best Video of Life award but as usual I'm not going to crown it too prematurely...

I present Potty Talk




Honestly this kid sounds like he's dying on the toilet. Here are my favorite highlights of the clip

-At 0:21 "I will not eat that much food again"
-The grunt right after (UGH!) hahahahaha
-When he starts to list all the stuff he ate that day
-For real who is he talking to?!
-When he gets frustrated at 0:50 "Ugh! Everything!"
- Best part at 0:59 "Ugh! That will... ugh... overflow the toilet. Ugh!
Someone give this kid $1000.00 pronto! What a hero hahahahahaha

In retrospect this kid could actually be my son. He sounds like me on the can last weekend...

For real I've been laughing so hard my tears are fucking up the keyboard.

Frank Breaker

Worst candies of all time

Halloween is just around the corner Breaker fans! I know that a lot of you will be answering your doors to trick or treaters come the 31st. Time to school some of you shit puddles on the garbage candy you've been giving out... after all you don't want to be known as the "Bad Candy House" do you? Believe me I'm here to help. Here's my roundup of the worst candy some of you dipshits give out at Halloween.


Raisins

Plain fucking raisins. What is that shit?

This is Halloween NOT a fucking lunchbox. If you feel the need to give out fruit on the most holiest of days then make sure it's covered in sugar. Ain't nobody got time for antioxidants and bioflavonoids! Leave them shits with the carrot and celery sticks. I mean what's next? Hummus? If fruit winds up in a candy sack on Halloween, make sure it's doused in chocolate or caramel otherwise you're asking for trouble.



Hot Tamales

What happens when sinutab and cinnamon gum have sex? They spawn hot tamales. For christ sake candy is supposed to be sugary sweetness/sourness! What is this nasal cavity blasting burst of fucking spicy cinnamon frankentrash? Someone find me an angry mob - we need to burn this abomination pronto.

 ^ This kid needs to settle down ^

Candy Corn

Finding a package of candy corn in your candy sack on Halloween is straight up like finding a package of sadness. They have less sugar than raisins! I also read somewhere that they have mineral oil in the ingredients. Mineral oil! That's a fucking laxative man. Don't feed people shit coaxing corn disguised as candy dude. It's bad karma. By the way - the Johnsons (above) can eat a dick.

*Edit: candy corn is what I imagine birth control pills taste like.


Black Licorice

How do you tell where the horrible people live in your neighborhood? Easy. Whichever houses gives out black licorice has at least one asshole living there. That shit ain't candy. Rather than choke down a piece of black licorice I might as well eat some electrical cord insulation and call it a night. It's the same shit.

^ Electrical cord insulation ^

Tootsie Rolls

Perhaps the most vile candy ever to occupy space on earth. Here's a rough draft of the letter I plan on sending to the tootsie roll company.

Sirs,

It's 2013. You need to stop. Regular tootsie rolls, fruit flavored, mini, lollipop, whatever, your shit candy is not enjoyable in any form. Nobody cares how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop because the filling is repugnant. No Sirs, we do not like tootsie rolls. At all.

Scrap the formula and head back to the drawing board.

Sincerely

Franklin Delano Breaker

PS: We also know you haven't made any new tootsie rolls since 1937. No one ever asked for them. NO ONE. And yet they're still forced on us - somebody dumps them on trick or treaters on the previous halloween, they don't get eaten and their parents turf them to other people come next halloween. It's a shit candy vicious circle.Quite frankly I'd rather eat razor blades.

Frank Breaker