YOWO schwarzenegger.
Frank Breaker
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Friday, May 18, 2012
Bible Stories Retold by Yours Truly
Noah's Ark
One day god noticed the peeps he had made had become
"evil" - there were crooks stealing everything that wasn't nailed
down, people boxing in the streets, war, pestilence, all kinds of unprotected
sex being had, human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria,
etc (by the way you get 10 cool points if you know what that last part is from). Instead
of dealing with all the fuckery from the get go, god waited till the last
minute before deciding to wipe everything off the face of the earth. Everything was supposed to go in a gigantic flood except for this
one really old dude named noah. God spoke to noah from the sky
and noah was like who and where are you? After taking some time to establish
gods identity god told noah about his plan to destroy the world. Noah didn't
believe god at first he was like word? You're going to drown everyone for real?
For real for real?
God told him to build an ark for his family in preparation.
Noah didn’t know what the fuck an ark was so god told him it was just a massive
cruise ship (by the way what about everyone else who had boats? did they all
died?). He also told noah to go out and collect a pair of each animal, male and
female as well as food for everybody. God confessed to noah that noah wasn’t
his first choice - he had asked 17 other dudes and they all told him to go fuck
himself. Apparently they could all tread water really well. Noah was old as
shit and couldn’t swim good so he was in. Noah and his family began the arduous
task of building the ark. Noah went out and started collecting the animals and
food. It took a really long time cause all of the captured animals were all eating each other.
Eventually noah realized he needed to build cages.
After they entered the ark, rain fell on the earth
for a long ass time. The water flooded the earth for a hundred and fifty days
and every living thing on the face of the earth was deaded. As the water began to
evaporate the ark came to rest on a mountain. Noah and his family
continued to wait a year for the ground to dry before they came out.
Immediately noah built an altar and worshipped god by burning some of the animals
he saved. The sick bastard was pleased with the offerings
and promised to never again destroy the earth. Note: as a black dude I am grateful he didn't burn the chickens - I love chicken.
The end.
Padre Breaker
Padre Breaker
Monday, May 14, 2012
Friday, May 11, 2012
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Friday, May 4, 2012
Breaker's Greetings
I dislike greeting cards. They're all the same - expensive as fuck mass produced pieces of shit with bullshit messages that most of the time don't really convey what you really feel. I've decided to start making my own.
Here's my first one
Feel free to print it out and use it.
Frank Breaker
Here's my first one
Feel free to print it out and use it.
Frank Breaker
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Friday, April 13, 2012
Structure found on Mars
A rectangular structure was discovered on Mars after amateur space enthusiasts investigated NASA pictures of the Red Planet. Based on the picture, people have been saying the Mars monolith bears a resemblance to the monoliths left on earth and the moon in Stanley Kubrick's "2001: A Space Odyssey."
It's probably a starbucks.
Or a bank foreclosure sign...
Frank Breaker
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Bible Stories Retold by Yours Truly
Genesis one through four
In the beginning, blah, blah blah...
... the first guy on earth was this dude adam. He was bored and lonely so he started messing around with the animals (this is a fact). For the record plowing animals is NEVER a laughing matter (unless you're fucking a hyena). Anyways adam got tired of this fast so he asked god to make him a companion. God told him it would cost him a testicle. Adam wasn't down with that so he asked what he could get for a rib. POW! God took the rib and created a lady named eve. Every day adam and eve would prance around naked smelling the lush flowers in eden and laying on the greeenest of grasses. One day a snake named lucifer ("lucky" for short) came and told them to eat the fruit from a tree that god had already told them they could not eat from. Lucky said why make the tree if you cant eat it's fruit? Eve was like yeah that is some bullshit I'm eating an apple. She hooked up her partner in crime adam with some fruit too. Next thing god showed up and evicted them out of paradise. This was the world's first FAIL.
Adam and eve had trouble getting a new place - no neanderthal would rent to them cause their old landlord (i.e god) refused to give them a good reference. Finally they got a new spot and this point adam had to go out and get a job to make the rent. After some sexing they had 2 kids cain and abel. Eve was a stay at home mom who's busy day was spent doing housework and preparing the evening's dinner for when everyone came home to eat. When she had time she would attend her woman's club meetings (consisting of 1 member). One day after the kids got older god held a contest to see who could win his love through offerings. Cain offered god fruit that he grew and abel offered a dead sheep.
As it turns out god likes his meat so abel won the contest. Cain was a bad loser and he killed abel in a hissy fit. It was the first premeditated murder. When god found out he told cain to collect his his shit and get the fuck out of dodge. Cain headed for the hills and became the first redneck.
The end.
Pastor Breaker
In the beginning, blah, blah blah...
... the first guy on earth was this dude adam. He was bored and lonely so he started messing around with the animals (this is a fact). For the record plowing animals is NEVER a laughing matter (unless you're fucking a hyena). Anyways adam got tired of this fast so he asked god to make him a companion. God told him it would cost him a testicle. Adam wasn't down with that so he asked what he could get for a rib. POW! God took the rib and created a lady named eve. Every day adam and eve would prance around naked smelling the lush flowers in eden and laying on the greeenest of grasses. One day a snake named lucifer ("lucky" for short) came and told them to eat the fruit from a tree that god had already told them they could not eat from. Lucky said why make the tree if you cant eat it's fruit? Eve was like yeah that is some bullshit I'm eating an apple. She hooked up her partner in crime adam with some fruit too. Next thing god showed up and evicted them out of paradise. This was the world's first FAIL.
Adam and eve had trouble getting a new place - no neanderthal would rent to them cause their old landlord (i.e god) refused to give them a good reference. Finally they got a new spot and this point adam had to go out and get a job to make the rent. After some sexing they had 2 kids cain and abel. Eve was a stay at home mom who's busy day was spent doing housework and preparing the evening's dinner for when everyone came home to eat. When she had time she would attend her woman's club meetings (consisting of 1 member). One day after the kids got older god held a contest to see who could win his love through offerings. Cain offered god fruit that he grew and abel offered a dead sheep.
As it turns out god likes his meat so abel won the contest. Cain was a bad loser and he killed abel in a hissy fit. It was the first premeditated murder. When god found out he told cain to collect his his shit and get the fuck out of dodge. Cain headed for the hills and became the first redneck.
The end.
Pastor Breaker
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