I Believe (Frank's thoughts)

I Believe: As adults we should get praise when we go to the bathroom. Just like when we were kids being potty trained. I want to feel like the king of the world every time I pee.

I Believe: If you're ever eating reese's and you run into reese witherspoon the right thing to do is to give her the candy since it obviously belongs to her.
*EDIT: This should actually be applied to any situation involving reese's and anyone named reese.

I Believe: You should never play any kind of game (video game, board game, etc) with the dude from the "saw" movies.

I Believe: If you buy an horse sized duck the bill will be huge.

I Believe: Since vampires cannot be seen in mirrors they should all have have personal assistants so they can be told whether or not they have booger snots in their noses.

I Believe: You should never trust a fish monger who smells of anything other than fish.

I Believe: 88% of the time I am right. Others are right the remaining 12% of the time.

I Believe: Those who say "nothing is impossible" are lying. This morning I did absolutely nothing.

I Believe: Pears make terrible phallic symbols.

I Believe: We are not meant to ingest avocado. It tastes gross.

I Believe: A "walk" is a fly with its wings pulled off.

I Believe: You are meant to keep your enemies close and your friends closer. That way your enemies will have to go through a human shield made of your buddies to get to you.

I Believe: You should never hit a person with glasses... Use your feet and kick them in the teeth.

I Believe: Witches should spend less time being mean and more time knitting warm sweaters. That way their tits won't be so cold.

I Believe: Gay sailors think women and seamen don't mix.

I Believe: If you ever meet queen lafifah you had better try your hardest to not call her "queef latina".

I Believe: If you have intercourse with your second cousin you should stop counting.

I Believe: You should not throw doo doo paper.

I Believe: There is no need to give notice when quitting your employment. Just leave. Eventually they will notice you're not there.

I Believe: Hookers don't really sweat in church. They look for clients.

I Believe: They lock gas station bathrooms because they don't want them to be cleaned by accident.

I Believe: There's no such thing as a "free" gift. All gifts are free.

I Believe: Buffalo wings are chicken.

I Believe: Spraying an insect with insect repellent will guarantee he will be alone for the rest of his life.

I Believe: Sour cream shouldn't have an expiry date stamped on the container.

I Believe: Arachnophobes shouldn't surf the web.

I Believe: Straitjackets are for the insane as well as people who like giving themselves hugs. 

I Believe: You should never carry nuts and bolts in your pockets when riding a roller coaster with a loop de loop. When they fall out during the ride people will freak.

Frank Breaker

Republicans: Keep Out of Canada

So the American election results are in and Barack Obama is back for another four years. It's nice to see a brother still flossin and putting some black in the white house! To tell you the truth, beyond the amazing achievement of Barack becoming the first black president I really didn't give a shit about the American presidential race or their politics for that matter. As a Canadian my issue is with the potential republican exodus bullshit; after yesterday's democratic win, some GOP supporters were up in arms over the results and looked to us in the north for possible salvation. This morning twitter was flooded with all kinds of bullshit comments:

I better start getting the spare room set up for my grandma. She said if obama wins again she was moving to Canada — 

You guys looks like I'm legit moving to Canada - My dad is honestly looking for houses right now to move to since Obama got elected again — #nomorebama

Obama again? thts it im moving to Canada or the UK #nomorebama 

This fuckery continued ad nauseum. It made me want to delete my goddamn twitter account. So that's it huh? You hate your democratically elected government so much that you're willing to pack up your shit, ditch your country and move here? Let me school you shit puddles on a few things:

- you hate your President. Can any of you name our Prime Minister? Here's a hint - he's a douchebag.
- you want abortion to be banned. It's legal here - we Canadians aren't "anti" woman.
- you think homosexuality is a disease. We have gender neutral marriage. Dudes with dudes and chicks with chicks is fine by me! Why should they be denied the right to be as miserable as heterosexual married couples?
- you love the story of creation. Here we teach evolution in science class. From monkeys to men assholes!
- you love your pistols. You're best leaving them shits behind. There are no "stand your ground" laws in Canada - shoot first and ask questions later here will land you in jail.
- you don't want publicly funded healthcare. We've had a universal, government funded healthcare system in place for years you fools.
- you don't like immigrants. There are shitloads of us here.
- you like speaking out against minorities and homosexuals. Hate speech is illegal here and your talk shit can actually land you in jail.
- you love suing peeps. There are no frivolous law suits here. For example you can't sue a beer company because you cracked open a brew and half naked chicks didn't appear in your apartment like in the commercial.
- Your money is green and small. Our cash is big and all kinds of colours. It's like old lady money. You won't like it. Plus there's so much pocket change! You'd have to buy a stronger belt to keep your pants up.

We also have ketchup chips which are a staple in the Canadian diet. You won't like them.

Plus there's the fact we don't want your crazy asses. Let's stop the madness! Canada is not a safe haven for republican expats.

Actually come to think of it I'm not too worried about you delusional fools... most of you couldn't find Canada anyway. Try Mexico instead.

EDIT: Actually no. You should come - I've drawn you a map. Follow the red arrow. Avoid the territory marked "ZOMBIELAND". There are zombies there! Trust me. They may look normal but they will eat you. Avoid it at all costs and drive straight through to Canada.

(Maybe the cold weather will kill you off...)

EDIT: If Romney had won there would've been democrats spitting the same lyrics about moving up here. Let me say it right now - this would not be a problem! In fact we'd welcome them with open arms. The more leftists we gain the easier it'll be to shovel Steven Harper out of office.

Frank Breaker